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Danne
Periodic poster

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Sweden
Posts: 267
Post

Q: Why is a womans cunt and asshole so close together?

A: So when she gets drunk you can carry her home like a 6-pack

Q: Whats the definition of a perfect woman?

A: One that turns into a keg of beer and 5 of your best friends after you fuck her.

Q: Why do women have legs?

A: So they wont leave a slime trail.

Q: Whats the similarity between women and wind screen wipers?

A: The both make a nasty sound when dry.

------------------------
If you can't avoid it, relax and enjoy it!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:53 PM
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aminal
incomplete

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7583
Post


A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"
The mom answers, "A vagina."
And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."
Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"
And the dad answers, "A penis."
So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."


------------------------
a /\/\ i n a l
"Touch my tears
with your lips"

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:53 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

Why did God create men?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:53 PM
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Danne
Periodic poster

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Sweden
Posts: 267
Post

Last one, good night!

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Cos they can!

------------------------
If you can't avoid it, relax and enjoy it!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:54 PM
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Spooky
twisty turny thing

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236
Post

two paedophiles are out for a walk together and they find a pair of young girls panties. The first takes them and sniffs them and says 'you know what, I reckon shes about 6 or 7 years old'. The second grabs them and takes a sniff and says 'No I reckon she's about 11 or 12'.

From around the corner walks a priest and the two paedophile approach him and say 'Father we found these and we were wondering how old the girl they belonged to is?' The priest takes the panties and sniffs them long and hard and says 'I could not tell you, but she is not from my parish.'



------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
'Sex on the TV, everybody's at it. And the mind gets dirty as you get closer to thirty.'

I quote, therefore I am - Spooky

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:55 PM
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Cage
Shaved Sack

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Boston, MA, Center of the Universe
Posts: 4539
Post

A guy is at a bar, having a few drinks with his buddies. Suddenly, a dishevelled drunk stumbles in, makes his way over the to guy and shouts, "I jusht ffffucked yer mother!"

They guy's buddies are astonished when the guy just ignores the drunk.

The drunk continues to shout, "She gives loushy head and her ass ish ssso stretshed out that itsh like throwing a penshil down a mineshaft!"

By now the entire bar is looking on, but the guy still ignores the drunk.

The drunk goes on, "I've had $2 whoresh in 'Nam that shmelled better'n her!"

Finally the guys stands up, grabs the drunk by his arm and says, "That's it, dad. It's time to get you home."

------------------------
At Least I'm Not You

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:56 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night when two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start raping them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does."

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:58 PM
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morgana
THE Bitch

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7542
Post

frank's wife was tired if his abuse, so she decided to go to a woman's independence group.
when she came home she went up to frank and said, "You know what frank? I've learned that i don't need you. I can take care of myself. i have a job making good money. if you don't wise up, i'll never see you again."
the next day, she didn't see frank.
the day after, she didn't see him.
the third day, she could almost make out his sillouhette from her right eye...

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Old Post 11-09-2000 09:59 PM
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morgana
THE Bitch

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7542
Post

Q: why don't you want to pick up chicks at a laundromat?

A: if they can't afford a washer and dryer, they can't support your dead ass!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:00 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his ladylove, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt. "Relax, Howard," he told himself. "You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." "No," another inner voice scolded, "but you're a veterinarian!"

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:00 PM
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morgana
THE Bitch

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7542
Post

Q: how do you fix a woman's watch?

A: why would you want to? the one on the stove works just fine!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:00 PM
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morgana
THE Bitch

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7542
Post

Q: how many men does it take to uncap a beer?

A: none! the bitch should have taken the cap off before bringing it to you!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:01 PM
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Danne
Periodic poster

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Sweden
Posts: 267
Post

A shit a can't resist another one. This one is from the Falklands.

Q: Whats the similarity between an argentinian war ship, and a used condom?

A: They're both full of useless se(a)men.

------------------------
If you can't avoid it, relax and enjoy it!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:01 PM
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Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9208
Post

quote:
Originally posted by aminal:

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"
The mom answers, "A vagina."
And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."
Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"
And the dad answers, "A penis."
So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."



Superb!



------------------------
Posting for Jesus!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:03 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

A woman decides to get artificially inseminated. She goes into the doctor's office, and he starts taking off his clothes.
"What are you doing?," she says.
The doctor says, "I'm all out of that bottled stuff, so you're gonna have to settle for draft."

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:04 PM
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bowmore
drive by drunk

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: canadian rockies
Posts: 1540
Post

Q:Is there anything left that shocks or offends us?


A: no.

Hey, wait a second, that's not funny.



------------------------
A thousand thousand slimy things lived on and so did I.

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:05 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:07 PM
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Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9208
Post

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the
ceiling.
He asks the barman for a pint and the barman asks, "Don't you want
to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of
meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have
to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No, I don't think so mate, the steaks are too
high."


------------------------
Posting for Jesus!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:07 PM
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Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9208
Post

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar,
turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it,
lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I
catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw,
slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other
mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as
I
can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put
it
in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The
third
mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time
for
this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."


------------------------
Posting for Jesus!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:09 PM
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aminal
incomplete

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7583
Post

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor.

"Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber.

"Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl!


------------------------
a /\/\ i n a l
"Touch my tears
with your lips"

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:10 PM
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aminal
incomplete

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7583
Post

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."

The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"

"I'm eight, sir."

"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"

"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."

"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"

"I don't remember, I was drunk."


------------------------
a /\/\ i n a l
"Touch my tears
with your lips"

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:11 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want six shots of Jagermeister." The bartender says, "Six shots! Are you celebrating something?" The guy says, "Yeah, my first blow job." The bartender says, "Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house." The man says, "No offense, sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:11 PM
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Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9208
Post

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please
use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"


------------------------
Posting for Jesus!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:12 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

[This message has been edited by missphinx (edited 11-09-2000).]

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:13 PM
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Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9208
Post

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully,"
he said."Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little
Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"


------------------------
Posting for Jesus!

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Old Post 11-09-2000 10:15 PM
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