The Asylum   Search Private Messages Options Blogs Images Chat Cam Portals Calendar FAQ's Join  
Asylum Forums : Powered by vBulletin version 2.2.8 Asylum Forums > The Lost Forum > What Every Woman Should Know About Men
Pages (2): [1] 2 »   Last Thread   Next Thread
Author
Thread [new thread]    [post reply]
Postmodgirl
quivering arshle

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
Posts: 5137
What Every Woman Should Know About Men

well this should be fun....

-----------------------------
What Every Woman Should Know About Men

Everyone knows that testosterone, the so-called male hormone, is found
in both men and women. What is not so well known is that men have an
overdose.

Until now it has been thought that the level of testosterone in men is
normal simply because they have it. But if you consider how abnormal
their BEHAVIOR is, then you are led to the hypothesis that almost all
men are suffering from TESTOSTERONE POISONING.

The symptoms are easy to spot. Suffers are reported to show an early
preference (while still in the crib) for geometric shapes. Later, they
become obsessed with machinery and objects to the exclusion of human
values. They have intense need to rank everything, and are obsessed
with size. (At some point in his life, nearly every male measures his
penis.)

It is well known that men don't look like other people. They have
chicken legs. This is symptomatic of the disease, as is the fact that
those men with the most aviary underpinnings will rank women according
to the shapeliness of THEIR legs.

The pathological violence of most men hardly needs to be mentioned.
They are responsible for more wars than any other leading sex.

Testosterone poisoning is particularly cruel because its sufferers
usually don't know they have it. In fact, when they are most under its
sway they believe that they are at their healthiest and most
attractive. They even give each other medals for exhibiting the most
advanced symptoms of the illness.

But there is hope.

Sufferers can change (even though it is harder than learning to walk
again). They must first realize, however, that they are sick. The
fact that this condition is inherited in the same way that dimples are
does not make it cute.

Eventually, of course, telethons and articles in the READER'S DIGEST
will dramatize the tragedy of testosterone poisoning. In the meantime
it is imperative for your friends and loved ones to become familiar
with the danger signs.

Have the men you know take this simple test for -


The Seven Warning Signs of Testosterone Poisoning

1. DO YOU HAVE AN INTENSE NEED TO WIN? When having sex, do you take
pride in always finishing before your partner? Do you always ask if
this time was "the best" - and gnaw on the bedpost if you get an
ambiguous answer?

2. DOES VIOLENCE PLAY A BIG PART IN YOUR LIFE? Before you answer,
count up how many hours you watched football, ice hockey, and
children's cartoons this year on television. When someone crosses
you, do you wish you could stuff his face full of your fist? Do you
ever poke people in your fantasies or throw them to and fro at all?
When someone cuts you off in traffic, do violent, angry curses come
bubbling out of your mouth before you know it? If so, you're in big
trouble, fella, and this is only question number two.

3. ARE YOU "THING" ORIENTED? Do you value the parts of a woman's
body more than the woman herself? Are you turned on by things that
even REMIND you of those parts? Have you ever fallen in love with a
really great doorknob?

4. DO YOU HAVE AN INTENSE NEED TO REDUCE EVERY DIFFICULT SITUATION
TO CHARTS AND FIGURES? If you were present at a riot, would you tend
to count the crowd? If your wife is despondent and that has left her
feeling helpless, do you take her temperature?

5. DO YOU TEND TO MEASURE THINGS THAT ARE REALLY QUALITATIVE? Are
you more impressed with how high a male ballet dancer can leap that
with what he does while he's up there? Are you more concerned with how
long you can spend in bed, and with how many orgasms you can have, than
you are with how you or your partner feels while you're there?

6. ARE YOU A LITTLE TOO MECHANICALLY MINDED? Would you like to
watch a sunset with a friend and feel at one with nature and each
other, or would you rather take apart a clock?

7. ARE YOU EASILY TRIGGERED INTO COMPETITION? When someone tries to
pass you on the highway, do you speed up a little? Do you find
yourself getting into contests of crushing beer cans -- with the beer
still in them?

If you've answered yes to three or fewer of the above questions, you
may be learning to deal with your condition. A man answering yes to
more than three is considered sick and not someone you'd want to have
around in a crisis -- such as raising children or growing old
together. Anyone answering yes to all seven of the questions should
seek help in a high-wire act.


What To Do If You Suffer From Testosterone Poisoning

1. DON'T PANIC. Your first reaction may be that you are sicker than
anyone else -- or that you are the one man in the world able to fight
it off -- or, knowing that you are a sufferer, that you are the one man
ordained to lead others to health (such as by writing articles about
it). These are all symptoms of the disease. Just relax. First, sit
back and enjoy yourself. Then find out how to enjoy somebody else.

2. TRY TO FEEL SOMETHING. (Not with your hands, you oaf.) Look at a
baby and see if you can appreciate it. (Not how BIG it's getting, just
how nice she or he is.) See if you can get yourself to cry by some
means other than getting hit in the eye or losing a lot of money.

3. SEE IF YOU CAN LISTEN WHILE SOMEONE IS TALKING. Were you the one
talking? Perhaps you haven't got the idea yet.

4. PRACTICE THIS SENTENCE: "You know, I think you're right and I'm
wrong." (Hint: it is useful to know what the other person thinks
before you say this.)


For Women Only:

What To Do If You Are Living With a Sufferer


1. Remember that a little sympathy is a dangerous thing. The
sufferer will be inclined to interpret any concern for him as
appropriate submissiveness.

2. Let him know that you expect him to fight his way back to health
and behave like a normal person -- for his own sake, not for yours.

3. Only after he begins to get his condition under control and has
actually begun to enjoy life should you let him know that there is no
such thing as testosterone poisoning.


- Alan Alda, 1975

__________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:01 AM
Postmodgirl is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Postmodgirl Click here to Send Postmodgirl a Private Message Visit Postmodgirl's homepage! Find more posts by Postmodgirl Add Postmodgirl to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mordecai
.

Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Denver
Posts: 23169

HEY! Hockey is great!

-m

__________________
-m

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:10 AM
Mordecai is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mordecai Click here to Send Mordecai a Private Message Find more posts by Mordecai Add Mordecai to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
RiZZ
awsomeness incarnit

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: aggressivly happy
Posts: 9225

no

__________________
RiZZ > you.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:10 AM
RiZZ is offline Click Here to See the Profile for RiZZ Click here to Send RiZZ a Private Message Visit RiZZ's homepage! Find more posts by RiZZ Add RiZZ to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9208

I have long believed Estrogen to be a humour retardant.

__________________
Arbeit Macht Frei

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:12 AM
Goatboy is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Goatboy Click here to Send Goatboy a Private Message Find more posts by Goatboy Add Goatboy to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

I have long believed Alan Alda to be a retard.

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:17 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
FunkaY
Asylum Lurkerette

Registered: Nov 2000
Location: Sydney
Posts: 441

4. PRACTICE THIS SENTENCE: "You know, I think you're right and I'm wrong." (Hint: it is useful to know what the other person thinks before you say this.)

hahaheheheha yeah right.


Very amusing

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:32 AM
FunkaY is offline Click Here to See the Profile for FunkaY Click here to Send FunkaY a Private Message Find more posts by FunkaY Add FunkaY to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Deadpool
Latin Lover

Registered: May 2001
Location:
Posts: 2701

Aren't sensitive caring guys called fags?

__________________


Fuck you I wont do what you tell me. -RATM

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:43 AM
Deadpool is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Deadpool Click here to Send Deadpool a Private Message Find more posts by Deadpool Add Deadpool to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

BUT TESTOSTERONE MAKES YOUR DICK GROW

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:44 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

quote:
Originally posted by Deadpool
Aren't sensitive caring guys called fags?


"Can't we just be friends? I think of you as a brother."

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 02:46 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Postmodgirl
quivering arshle

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
Posts: 5137

quote:
Originally posted by Deadpool
Aren't sensitive caring guys called fags?


haven't you noticed how many women want to sleep with gay men?

__________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 03:09 AM
Postmodgirl is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Postmodgirl Click here to Send Postmodgirl a Private Message Visit Postmodgirl's homepage! Find more posts by Postmodgirl Add Postmodgirl to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

quote:
Originally posted by Postmodgirl


haven't you noticed how many women want to sleep with gay men?



Haven't you noticed how many hot chicks dig jerks?


Note: They don't want to SLEEP with them (usually). They want to GO OUT with them. The difference is critical.

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 03:31 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Fiend
Medically crazy

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Bangor, ME
Posts: 10608

heh, that reminds me of a conversation between Joelle and her friend

J: "but you haven't always been gay"
F:"yeah, i had sex with a girl once. It was weird, it was all wet and stuff and i was like EWWWWW!"

i haven't laughed so hard since

__________________

"We don't have to save the world. The world is big enough to look after itself. What we have to be concerned about is whether or not the world we live in will be capable of sustaining us in it." -Douglas Adams

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 03:46 AM
Fiend is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Fiend Click here to Send Fiend a Private Message Find more posts by Fiend Add Fiend to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

quote:
Originally posted by AlcoholSoopaFiend
heh, that reminds me of a conversation between Joelle and her friend

J: "but you haven't always been gay"
F:"yeah, i had sex with a girl once. It was weird, it was all wet and stuff and i was like EWWWWW!"

i haven't laughed so hard since



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

You WIN, sir.

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 03:50 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Postmodgirl
quivering arshle

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
Posts: 5137

quote:
Originally posted by Mr Snrub


Note: They don't want to SLEEP with them (usually). They want to GO OUT with them. The difference is critical.



negatory. I know more than a few ladies that want to fuck gay men because they find them attractive...

they like making out with them or something...

& thar ya ar!

__________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:01 AM
Postmodgirl is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Postmodgirl Click here to Send Postmodgirl a Private Message Visit Postmodgirl's homepage! Find more posts by Postmodgirl Add Postmodgirl to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
MrSherman
NO MORE ASYLUM

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Elysian Fields, TX, USA
Posts: 2618

quote:
Originally posted by Postmodgirl


haven't you noticed how many women want to sleep with gay men?



I guess this would explain why so many girls at my school want me for sex. :/


Not cause I'm gay, but maybe cause they think I am....????

__________________

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:07 AM
MrSherman is offline Click Here to See the Profile for MrSherman Click here to Send MrSherman a Private Message Find more posts by MrSherman Add MrSherman to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

quote:
Originally posted by Postmodgirl


negatory. I know more than a few ladies that want to fuck gay men because they find them attractive...

they like making out with them or something...

& thar ya ar!



Strange. I know more than a few ladies who swear blind they will do with no less than a quote unquote real man.

Are most of these ladies the artistic type?

Admittedly, a lot of the ladies I know fall under the "spoilt rich girl" or "general middle class Ally McBealish" type. I also know a few sluts. Huzzah!

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:12 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

quote:
Originally posted by MrSherman


I guess this would explain why so many girls at my school want me for sex. :/


Not cause I'm gay, but maybe cause they think I am....????



Do you care about their "feelings"?

Are you willing to go shopping with them?

Do you have good taste in clothes?

Do you pay particular attention to your appearance and smell?

Do you enjoy talking to them at length about fashion and general gossip?

Do you have lots of female friends?

If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, you are very similar to one of my friends who is widely considered to be a great big gay friend in female circle. None of them are willing to touch him however.

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:14 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
MrSherman
NO MORE ASYLUM

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Elysian Fields, TX, USA
Posts: 2618

Do you care about their "feelings"? Way too much, and all the time.

Are you willing to go shopping with them? Maybe. If they're buying.

Do you have good taste in clothes? I doubt it.

Do you pay particular attention to your appearance and smell? Yes. I can't stand smelling bad and being dirty.

Do you enjoy talking to them at length about fashion and general gossip? No.

Do you have lots of female friends? Yes

__________________

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:21 AM
MrSherman is offline Click Here to See the Profile for MrSherman Click here to Send MrSherman a Private Message Find more posts by MrSherman Add MrSherman to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
shyloh
ghost of internetz past

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: NYC
Posts: 3598

Q: Why is it so hard to find caring, sensitive, and handsome men?
A: They already have boyfriends

Heard many times, i'm sure, but it's too true, too often.

__________________
confidence n. the feeling one has before he understands the situation.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:21 AM
shyloh is offline Click Here to See the Profile for shyloh Click here to Send shyloh a Private Message Find more posts by shyloh Add shyloh to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

quote:
Originally posted by MrSherman
Do you care about their "feelings"? Way too much, and all the time.

Are you willing to go shopping with them? Maybe. If they're buying.

Do you have good taste in clothes? I doubt it.

Do you pay particular attention to your appearance and smell? Yes. I can't stand smelling bad and being dirty.


Do you have lots of female friends? Yes




HOT DOG!! WE HAVE A WEINER!!

Congratulations, son. You have struck a fine balance between gay and not too gay. That is why women dig you.

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:29 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
tack
jackaroo

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 4925
Arrow

quote:
Originally posted by shyloh
Q: Why is it so hard to find caring, sensitive, and handsome men?
A: They already have boyfriends

Heard many times, i'm sure, but it's too true, too often.



That made me laugh.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 04:42 AM
tack is offline Click Here to See the Profile for tack Click here to Send tack a Private Message Find more posts by tack Add tack to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Roshigoth
The Cheesemeister

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Myrtle Beach, SC
Posts: 18000

quote:
Originally posted by Mr Snrub

Congratulations, son. You have struck a fine balance between gay and not too gay. That is why women dig you.



I answered almost identically to Sherman, and no chicks dig me (not in real life.. you people don't count).

__________________

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 05:19 AM
Roshigoth is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Roshigoth Click here to Send Roshigoth a Private Message Find more posts by Roshigoth Add Roshigoth to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mr Snrub
Machine Gun Joe Viterbo

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

Then i suggest you try being mr. manly man.

it depends on the women, you see.

__________________
"Nothing in this act or any other law...shall be construed to require
the disclosure of the organization or any function of the National Security Agency,
or any information with respect to the activities thereof, or any of the names,
titles, salaries, or the number of the persons employed by such agency."
--- Section 6 of Public Law 86-36 (1959).
The only law ever passed pertaining to the National Security Agency, or NSA.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 05:21 AM
Mr Snrub is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mr Snrub Click here to Send Mr Snrub a Private Message Find more posts by Mr Snrub Add Mr Snrub to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Dingle
Gay for Mugtoe

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 12791

id guess the number of breast enlargement surgeries to the number of penis enlargement surgeries is 10 to 1 or more, so the 'obsessed with size' thing is out the window. every chick here stood in front of the mirror when they were teenagers and squeezed their tits together to make them look big.

__________________
Idle hands spend time at the genitals.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 05:32 AM
Dingle is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Dingle Click here to Send Dingle a Private Message Find more posts by Dingle Add Dingle to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Nutrimentia
plata o plomo

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: The Bottom of the Toyem Pole
Posts: 9603
Here's a few rules to keep guys on the right path.

Rule #1: Thou shalt not rent Chocolat.

Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Rule #212: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You’d rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns.

Rule #723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A best-man toast must not include any of the following phrases: “down in Tijuana,” “improbably booting out his nose,” “mostly scabbed over,” or “energetic Greco-Roman clusterfuck.”

Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule #1,219: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule #1,476: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.

Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature’s unsuitable.

Rule #1,862: A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—weed whacker, car, firstborn child—with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away
scot-free.

Rule #2,284 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
bachelor party.

Rule #2,475: Do not torpedo single friends: If you’re married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, “So, when are you two gonna walk the plank?” Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rug rats’ toys for two years.

Rule #2,500: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule #2,650 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it. But he’s fully within his rights to say, “Man, are you gonna love the way she licks your testicles.”

Rule #2,738: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

Rule #2,811: If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.

Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)

Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbor chick.

Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Rule #4,671: While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’ significant dickheads—low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. (Sorry, ladies: It’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true.)

Rule #5,294: Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

Rule #5,888 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

Rule #6,172 (Gas Warfare Act): You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

Rule #6,521: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

Rule #6,876: When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.)

Rule #7,104: Only in a situation of mortal and/or ass peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

Rule #7,105: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

Rule #7,718 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule #7,847: The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping, you may stand back and enjoy.

Rule #8,000: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Rule #8,174 (The Golden Rule): Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule has survived many challenges and supersedes all childish “pee breaks are safe” local ordinances.

Rule #8,416: When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes—as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sidelines.

Rule #8,421: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule #8,580: Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Rule #8,754: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

* “Yeah, baby, push it!”
* “C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
* “Another set and we can hit the showers.”
* “Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?”

Rule #8,812: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule #8,911: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you’re able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.

Rule #9,048: You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Rule #9,076: When receiving oral sex while driving, always:

* Wear your seat belt.
* Close the sunroof.
* Smile.
* Make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.

Rule #9,210: If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.” Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.

Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state’s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.

Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.

Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.

Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule #9,998: Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

TEARJERKERS!
In which of the following situations is it OK to cry?

a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
e. When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw, again.
f. When your date is using her teeth.

answer: all of the above

_
FIRE STARTER!
When, if ever, is it acceptable to assist a buddy who’s flailing on fire-starting duty?

a. Never—he’s on his own.
b. When you’ve emptied an entire Schlitz since he last made progress.
c. Only when he’s on the verge of resorting to higher technology—i.e., if he’s pulling out lighter fluid, you can restack it correctly and light a match.
d. When your girlfriend starts giving you that look.

answer: c

__________________
The Law of Fives is never wrong. CzEch yerself b4 joo rEck yerself. Hi-yo!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 09-18-2001 06:14 AM
Nutrimentia is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Nutrimentia Click here to Send Nutrimentia a Private Message Visit Nutrimentia's homepage! Find more posts by Nutrimentia Add Nutrimentia to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
All times are GMT. The time now is 02:20 AM. Post New Thread    Post A Reply
Pages (2): [1] 2 »   Last Thread   Next Thread
Show Printable Version | Email this Page | Subscribe to this Thread

Forum Jump:
 

Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is ON
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
 

< Contact Us - The Asylum >

Copyright © 2014- Imaginet Inc.
[Legal Notice] | [Privacy Policy] | [Site Index]