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Dacarlo
ex-member

Registered: Oct 2000
Location:
Posts: 15481

A humor pernt and a dickle pernt.

You'll need a drink after that my friend. I cant imagine the pain, but those bastard medics could have been more sympathetic.

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Old Post 05-05-2005 12:19 AM
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wonderaz
Sarky Bastard

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sedona, Arizona... No no Cornville!!
Posts: 21726

quote:
Originally posted by rodney
wow, you can totally suck my sweaty asshole for that negative humor point, wonder.


heh
[p]

__________________
quote:
Originally posted by Coincidence
Wonder is right *gasp*.

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Old Post 05-05-2005 12:02 PM
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skalie
Locksmith of Lurve

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 18906

Once when I was a lost soul living in a bedsit in London I cooked up a massive pot of chill con carne.

Mistake number one, I didn't boil the beans long enough.

After dining on what was a rather tasty if not somewhat hot chilli I went to the pub.

Mistake number two, upon returning from the pub I ate the entire thing cold.

I was farting fire for days.

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Old Post 05-05-2005 03:17 PM
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Aydin
El Fugaz

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: New York City
Posts: 22907

Black beans
Baked smoked tofu
Sriracha
Thai chiles
Napa cabbage (bai tsai)
chicken stock
sesame oil
fresh Korean ramyun noodles
black vinegar

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Old Post 05-05-2005 04:09 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 31232

quote:
Originally posted by skalie
. . . I was farting fire for days.

HAHAHA! My most unforgettable experience of that ilk occurred when I was about 13 years old. I fried up 'n' ate a mess of what, in retrospect, musta been overly-ripe slab bacon.

The stench that belched forth (seemingly non-stop for three consecutive days) from my poop chute was so incredibly foul, I gagged whenever I pulled in too big of a whiff. To this day, I strongly suspect the gas was toxic.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-05-2005 07:16 PM
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ignatz mouse
gone with the wind

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: The Wetlands
Posts: 17938

a big pot of vegetarian chili + three housemates = nuclear toilet disaster (house declared toxic fume hazard site) after only one day (and it wasn't even a low-flush toilet)

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Old Post 05-05-2005 07:20 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 31232

quote:
Originally posted by ignatz mouse
a big pot of vegetarian chili + three housemates = nuclear toilet disaster (house declared toxic fume hazard site) after only one day (and it wasn't even a low-flush toilet)

It's nice to hear a gal confess to farting. Most gals I know say they never fart. O' course, such claims only serve t'make a fella wonder what in th'hell else they might be lyin' about.

Oh. I think a few words from Miss Manners are in order:

"Acceptable noises. These are noises such as burping or the sounds accompanying choking, to which the response should come from the noisemaker himself, provided that the choking was not complete, in which case he is absolved of all social responsibility except that of having left his papers in order. Society acknowledges that these noises are made from time to time, but does not dignify them with a response. The offender says "Excuse me," and the subject is considered closed.

Unacceptable noises. Miss Manners does not plan to mention them, chiefly because they are unmentionable, but you all know who you are. What they are. At any rate, these are noises that are acknowledged by neither the noisemaker nor the noise recipient, because socially they do not exist. The practice of staring hard at the person next to you when, for instance, your own stomach has given off a loud rumble, is therefore to be condemned on grounds of etiquette as well as morals. (bold added for emphasis)

I wonder if Miss Manners has ever cut the cheese? That jackass wonderaz claims he nailed Miss Manners several years ago. More likely, he found out where she lives 'n' tried to windowpeep her.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-05-2005 07:36 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 31232

quote:
Originally posted by Aydin
Black beans
Baked smoked tofu
Sriracha
Thai chiles
Napa cabbage (bai tsai)
chicken stock
sesame oil
fresh Korean ramyun noodles
black vinegar


Looks t'me like a recipe fer either a stink-bomb, or paint remover.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-05-2005 07:38 PM
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ignatz mouse
gone with the wind

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: The Wetlands
Posts: 17938

quote:
Originally posted by J E B Stuart
It's nice to hear a gal confess to farting. . . .

Amen.



I confessed nothing. It was the housemates.

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Old Post 05-05-2005 07:45 PM
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Aydin
El Fugaz

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: New York City
Posts: 22907

Do I lose the cookoff?

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Old Post 05-05-2005 07:45 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 31232

quote:
Originally posted by Aydin
Do I lose the cookoff?

I dunno. Ignatz hasn't yet published her recipe. Is she holdin' out on us?

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-05-2005 08:23 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 31232

quote:
Originally posted by Dacarlo
. . . You'll need a drink after that my friend. I cant imagine the pain, but those bastard medics could have been more sympathetic.

Heheheh. Where would we be without bullshit in our lives? And speaking of pain, the following has been circulating in one variation or another for nearly a hundred years:

Will E. Schruem
Attorney at Law
182 Sixty Ninth Street
Olustee, OK 73560

Dear Will:

In response to your letter in which the insurance company that you represent had questions about my sanity, let me state the facts leading to the accident, and it will prove my presence of mind.

As sole owner of my own construction company, I was working on the sixth and final floor of a brick building that I had constructed.

Upon completion of this floor, I realized that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over up there. So, in order to get these bricks down to the ground, I used my ingenuity and rigged up a pulley on the sixth floor, through which I ran a heavy rope. I then secured the rope on the ground, went back up to sixth floor and tied a big barrel to the end of the rope that was through the pulley.

I then proceeded to load the 500 pounds of bricks into the barrel and went down to the ground to lower them.

Since you and I have never met, I should now explain to you that I weigh only 150 pounds.

When I grabbed a firm hold of the rope and undid the knot, I began a most rapid ascent toward the sixth floor.

It was near the third floor that I met the barrel of bricks. I felt an excruciating pain in my left shoulder as this heavy barrel nearly tore my arm off. (This explains my broken shoulder, splintered collarbone and facial cuts).

Then, as the barrel of bricks crashed to the ground, three of my fingers had become tightly wedged into the pulley. (This explains my broken fingers and sprained wrist).

While trying to get my fingers out of the pulley, I looked down and realized that the bottom of the barrel had broken out upon crashing, and soon I was descending toward the ground at a most rapid pace with the now-empty barrel coming up toward me.

As the barrel caught my right leg, (again near the third floor), and nearly caused me to lose hold of the rope, I continued downward, now with a broken knee and splintered tibia.

When I finally crashed upon the pile of bricks, breaking my neck and spine, I lay there, realizing all that had happened to me, and looked straight up at the bottomless barrel on sixth floor directly above me, and I did have the presence of mind to let go of the rope.

Now that you are aware that I knew what I was doing the whole time, please have the insurance company pay the doctor and hospital bills.

Sincerely

Geo. Beeler

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-06-2005 06:29 AM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 31232

And, Dac, most folks think the following is yet another "urban legend". Fact is, however, it's a true story about one o' several "occurrences" that culminated in that jackass wonderaz's first wife up 'n' leavin' him:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse than a truckload of limberger cheese. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and, within a minute, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-06-2005 08:37 AM
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Dacarlo
ex-member

Registered: Oct 2000
Location:
Posts: 15481

She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone any "Happy Birthday". I
thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The
children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to
the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning,
boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had
remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,let's go to
lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such A
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment
she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six
minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife,
children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

[spoiler]

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Old Post 05-06-2005 12:52 PM
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skalie
Locksmith of Lurve

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 18906

[spoiler]

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Old Post 05-06-2005 01:23 PM
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Dacarlo
ex-member

Registered: Oct 2000
Location:
Posts: 15481

You mean like this?

http://www.erotic-awards.co.uk/1998/images/pony.jpg

Last edited by Dacarlo on 05-06-2005 at 05:58 PM

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Old Post 05-06-2005 02:42 PM
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aminal
incomplete

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7583

This thread still isn't funny.

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aminal
Turn sigs off

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Old Post 05-06-2005 03:52 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 31232

quote:
Originally posted by aminal
This thread still isn't funny.

Is, too.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-06-2005 05:17 PM
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torque
SupaTwistyPowa!

Registered: Dec 2001
Location: Ducktown, GA
Posts: 1608

I read the chili cookoff story one a while ago, and it was funny then. Was funny this time too.

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Old Post 05-06-2005 05:25 PM
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skalie
Locksmith of Lurve

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 18906

It reminds me of the time when this geezer turned up with a bottle of poteen.

Me and my Irish mate took a slug.

I was doubled up in angony wondering if my stomach was going to turn inside out, while he was remarking "hmmm, nice and dry"

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Old Post 05-06-2005 05:31 PM
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Smug Git
Arrogance Personified

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 36297

Poteen, a drink for when you run out of methylated spirits.

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I want to live and I want to love
I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of

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Old Post 05-06-2005 06:50 PM
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ignatz mouse
gone with the wind

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: The Wetlands
Posts: 17938

unlawfully distilled Irish whiskey (from dictionary.com for us know-naughts)? sounds promising (if your goal is to be sporting a colostomy bag by age 45)

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Old Post 05-06-2005 06:53 PM
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Smug Git
Arrogance Personified

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 36297

It tastes vile. At least, the stuff I've had tastes vile. There may be some variation, as it appears to be produced by whacked-out hapless alcoholics in the middle of the bog, and those people aren't all the same.

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I want to live and I want to love
I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of

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Old Post 05-06-2005 06:55 PM
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skalie
Locksmith of Lurve

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 18906

Associating the stuff with the term "whiskey" is being generous to a fault.

"Potato flavoured moonshine" is a more apt description, raw potato tat would be....

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Old Post 05-06-2005 07:01 PM
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skalie
Locksmith of Lurve

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 18906

Although apparently there was some chap in the west of Ireland tat made a decent brew, got quite renowned for it.

There's a commercially brand available now as it goes.

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Old Post 05-06-2005 07:02 PM
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