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aminal
incomplete

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7583

quote:
Originally posted by J E B Stuart
Is, too.


Even you couldn't save it Jeb, it was doomed from the start

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aminal
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Old Post 05-06-2005 07:31 PM
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ignatz mouse
gone with the wind

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: The Wetlands
Posts: 17938

I'll post my vege chili recipe in the cooking forum, eventually.

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Old Post 05-06-2005 07:39 PM
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J E B Stuart
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quote:
Originally posted by ignatz mouse
I'll post my vege chili recipe in the cooking forum, eventually.

Post it here, dear.

Pretty please?

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-06-2005 09:57 PM
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Aydin
El Fugaz

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: New York City
Posts: 22907

The cooking forum could use a little more action.

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Old Post 05-06-2005 10:17 PM
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loser
oxymoran

Registered: Dec 2004
Location: Beringia
Posts: 6194

Don't worry, LF should make his monthly post in the pickle thread anyday now.

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Old Post 05-06-2005 10:24 PM
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Tray
confidence trickster

Registered: May 2002
Location: blessed oblivion
Posts: 1647

the now public

Paul's World Famous Organic Chili
--------------------------
List of ingredients:

3 tomatoes
1 red bell pepper
1 green bell pepper
1 jalapeno pepper
1 garlic
1/2 yellow onion
1 habanero pepper (if you can take the heat!)
carrots
10 large white button mushrooms
celery
1 15oz can each of kidney, pinto, and black beans
1 small (8oz?) can of tomato paste
2 1.6oz packets of spicy chili spice mix
1 lb of gound meat (I like buffalo, myself)
------------------------------

Quarter the tomatoes and place them in the bottom of a
large pot. Use a masher to mash them up just a bit,
taking care to leave the skins intact. Add water to
fill the pot to about 1/3 full, and turn the heat on
low-medium. Add the tomato paste when it starts
getting warm. Start cutting the carrots into bite
size pieces, and throw them in. I only use about half
of each bell pepper, so dice that up and throw them
in. Dice up 1/2 of a yellow onion and toss it in.
Slice around three stalks of celery into small pieces
and throw them in. Add water to bring it just above
the ingredient level. The pot should be around half
full now. Dice up about three large cloves of garlic
and throw those in. Add one package of the chili spice
mix at this point and give it a good stirring.Don't
put a lid on the pot at any time!
While that base is slowly simmering on low-medium
heat, open the beans and drain them in a spagetthi
drainer. Brown the meat in a pan and drain the fat,
put in a bowl and cover. After around an hour, cut the mushrooms
into thick slices. Add the beans, meat, mushrooms,
and the other pack of chili mix. Give it a stir, and
then add water to just above ingredient level again.
Let it simmer for another hour or so, till a
tast-test says everything is done.

Served best in a bread bowl - topped with cheese,
oyster-crackers, and sour cream.

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Old Post 05-06-2005 11:42 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263
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quote:
Originally posted by aminal
Even you couldn't save it Jeb, it was doomed from the start

Well. This letter about a "bad day at the office" is fer you, aminal:

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints.

When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This
is even worse than poison ivy under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.

We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

Love,

Roy

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-07-2005 06:29 AM
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ignatz mouse
gone with the wind

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: The Wetlands
Posts: 17938

I like that one JEB, and it even had a jellyfish in it.

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Old Post 05-07-2005 07:37 AM
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Aydin
El Fugaz

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: New York City
Posts: 22907

Yesterday I made:

3 strips bacon, cut in pieces
half a large onion
1 jalapen~o
1 lb ground sirloin
Xiaoshing wine
1 can budweiser
paprika
chili powder
adobo
oregano
cumin (lots)
2 cans tomato sauce (1 Goya, 1 generic (w/ garlic))
1 can mixed vegetables (15 oz)
1 can small potatoes (8 oz)
1 can black beans (2 lb, Goya)
sprinkle of masa harina

Serve with rice and Romano cheese.

(I didn't have any beer, so I had to use my Chinese roommate's)

Last edited by Aydin on 05-08-2005 at 01:58 PM

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Old Post 05-08-2005 01:55 PM
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Aydin
El Fugaz

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: New York City
Posts: 22907

BTW: Total $6.00 plus spices which I already had

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Old Post 05-08-2005 04:55 PM
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skalie
Locksmith of Lurve

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 18909

quote:
Originally posted by Aydin
1 can small potatoes (8 oz)



...........wow, potatoes come in cans in New York.

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Old Post 05-08-2005 06:30 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263

quote:
Originally posted by skalie
...........wow, potatoes come in cans in New York.

Prob'ly those canned tater bombs, i.e., new puhtaytuhz.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-09-2005 05:15 AM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263
Talking

Here's another urban turd (frequently forwarded as a Darwin Award winner) to put in our big pot o' chili:

"AND THIS YEAR'S WINNERS ARE"

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had no less than 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to just "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. So, they eased the pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.

Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Hence, upon heaving himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall, however, was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed below into a large cluster of Holly bushes.

The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), upon landing, the blade of his pocketknife was buried 3 inches deep in his thigh.

(I did say, "the late") Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in excruciating pain and considerable agony, decided upon a plan of rescue. Yes, he would throw his friend a rope and pull him to safety (NOW he thinks of the S-word) by tying the rope to the bumper of the pickup truck and slowly driving away. In his drunken haste/state, however, he put the truck into reverse, crashed through the fence, and landed on his friend, killing him.

Police later arrived to find the demolished pickup with its driver thrown approximately forty feet away and quite dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they discovered John underneath, half-naked, scratches covering his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and the remnants of his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win..."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-09-2005 09:30 AM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263

quote:
Originally posted by ignatz mouse
I like that one JEB, and it even had a jellyfish in it.


I know melon would agree with you about the jellyfish.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-10-2005 06:38 AM
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Aydin
El Fugaz

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: New York City
Posts: 22907

Call me lazy.
It's safer for me to cook without too much knifework.

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Old Post 05-10-2005 03:25 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263
Thumbs up

quote:
Originally posted by Aydin
Call me lazy.
It's safer for me to cook without too much knifework.


Actually, that looks like a damn tasty recipe. I'm gonna try it out here in the near future.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-10-2005 06:27 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263

quote:
Originally posted by aminal
Even you couldn't save it Jeb, it was doomed from the start

This thread's too damn hilarious to let slide off the front page. Not now. Oh, no.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-11-2005 04:02 PM
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J E B Stuart
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For example . . .



Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-11-2005 04:24 PM
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ignatz mouse
gone with the wind

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: The Wetlands
Posts: 17938

I'd think her unborn child was in more danger of being genetically descended from a jackass.

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Old Post 05-11-2005 08:25 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263

quote:
Originally posted by ignatz mouse
I'd think her unborn child was in more danger of being genetically descended from a jackass.

I guess this means that jackass wonderaz has yet more paternity papers comin' his way.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-11-2005 08:54 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Talking



I dunno why this made me think o' you, aminal, but it did. You still gittin' hitched?

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-13-2005 11:21 PM
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Cranium Fornication
Old No. 7 is my vice..

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Land of Entrapment
Posts: 660

The Chili cook off one had me laughing way too hard. Being from the southwest it's always fun to see tourists have a 5 minute conversation with a waiter making sure they get the mildest chili or no chili at all..

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Old Post 05-13-2005 11:53 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32263

quote:
Originally posted by Cranium Fornication
The Chili cook off one had me laughing way too hard. Being from the southwest it's always fun to see tourists have a 5 minute conversation with a waiter making sure they get the mildest chili or no chili at all..

You oughtta try a bowl o' the XXX at The Texas Chili Parlor in downtown Austin, Texas. It cautherizes all membranes 'n' tissues it comes into contact with.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-13-2005 11:56 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Now. Back to the task at hand . . .



Is this how coondogs are made?

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 05-15-2005 06:55 AM
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tigerjez
World Beater.

Registered: Dec 2003
Location: a constant state of wrath
Posts: 1460

As a frequent attendee of the Houston Rodeo Chili Cook-off, I found the story funny-- then and now. I also liked the later ones. So, I'll bump it to show my appreciation...

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