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Large Filipino
Fuck me hard in my arse.

Registered: Feb 2004
Location: in colorado somewhere!
Posts: 53109

Oh shoot. I just looked thru this whole thread.
I DID reposted that pic.
I need punishment.

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I would throw it in a Orangutan enclosure
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Old Post 06-27-2005 04:10 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
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quote:
Originally posted by Large Filipino
. . . I spend less than that for dinner at a chineese buffet and I come out feeling all guilty and shit with my tummy hurting and I have to take a super power dump when I get home. . . .



This is what you need for those super power dumps, ol' pal.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 06-27-2005 06:17 AM
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Large Filipino
Fuck me hard in my arse.

Registered: Feb 2004
Location: in colorado somewhere!
Posts: 53109

OOOH! I need one!

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Old Post 06-27-2005 07:06 AM
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Dacarlo
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Registered: Oct 2000
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quote:
Originally posted by Large Filipino
Oh shoot. I just looked thru this whole thread.
I DID reposted that pic.
I need punishment.



Your wish is granted [p]

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Old Post 06-27-2005 07:18 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Retirement Party

Although the punchline set-up is as well-worn as Loretta's community sausage warmer, it's still funny:

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, however, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. Frankly, I thought I had been assigned to an awful, terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. This person had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and infected his little sister with a loathsome venereal disease.

Of course, I was appalled. But, as the days went on, I came to know that my people were not all like him and that I had, indeed, come to an overall fine parish brimming with good and loving people. . . ."

Just as the good priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologizing profusely for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "Why, I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," he said. "In fact, I had the honor, privilege and distinction of being the first one to go to him in confession. . . ."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 06-29-2005 04:05 PM
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Large Filipino
Fuck me hard in my arse.

Registered: Feb 2004
Location: in colorado somewhere!
Posts: 53109

.

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Old Post 07-03-2005 07:49 AM
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Large Filipino
Fuck me hard in my arse.

Registered: Feb 2004
Location: in colorado somewhere!
Posts: 53109

God I know I seen that pic somewhere before. Just not in this thread I think.

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Old Post 07-03-2005 07:51 AM
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Large Filipino
Fuck me hard in my arse.

Registered: Feb 2004
Location: in colorado somewhere!
Posts: 53109

.

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Old Post 07-03-2005 08:24 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Ya know? Cats are much bigger hoes than people give 'em credit fer. In fact, they tend t'be downright nasty buggers:



Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-04-2005 09:16 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Aminal's gittin' hitched, or may have done so, already, I hear tell. This pic just made me think of him. I don't really know why. It just did.



Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-11-2005 08:01 AM
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Dacarlo
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I think its the cat that wears the baggy trousers in that house.

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Old Post 07-11-2005 09:25 AM
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J E B Stuart
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quote:
Originally posted by Dacarlo
I think its the cat that wears the baggy trousers in that house.

HAHAHA! Pernts ahoy, matey!

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-11-2005 06:48 PM
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SimpleSimon
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That boy was ready for a small war.

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Old Post 07-11-2005 07:02 PM
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ignatz mouse
gone with the wind

Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:
Originally posted by SimpleSimon
That boy was ready for a small war.


My thoughts exactly. that boy takes "weapons" violation to a new level, maybe "arsenal" violation?

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Old Post 07-11-2005 07:46 PM
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J E B Stuart
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quote:
Originally posted by ignatz mouse
My thoughts exactly. that boy takes "weapons" violation to a new level, maybe "arsenal" violation?

I think he musta been crappin' pistols 'n' such.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-12-2005 04:27 AM
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Roshigoth
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Registered: Aug 2000
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Notice they only show him standing there unloading all those weapons. They're probably quite obvious when he's moving, especially the rifle (or was it a shotgun?) down his leg. At the very least you'd expect to hear some noise as they rub against each other.

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Old Post 07-12-2005 04:35 AM
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Large Filipino
Fuck me hard in my arse.

Registered: Feb 2004
Location: in colorado somewhere!
Posts: 53109

quote:
Originally posted by J E B Stuart


Amen.


That's my wife.
Yep.
That's my.....wife.

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Old Post 07-12-2005 05:46 AM
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J E B Stuart
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The Great Shrimpholio

Since corn isn't on a walrus' menu . . .



Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-13-2005 02:17 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Talking Remember ~ The email is probabl true if it quotes a news source, such as a newspaper.

Subject: On Having a Bad Day

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY

(Ukiah, CA) -- Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned section of forest while assessing the the forest fire damage. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem examination revealed he died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification, but his name is being withheld pending notification of next-of-kin.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver came to be found quite dead in the middle of a forest fire. They learned that, on the day of the fire, the man went on a diving trip off the coast, settling upon a location approximately twenty miles from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was scooped from the ocean, flown to the fire, and dropped over the flames.

You guessed it.

One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket over 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire.

Some days it simply does not pay to get out of bed.

Reprinted from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-13-2005 08:37 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Once upon a time, there lived a man named Ralph who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Well, one day he met a girl named Rhonda and they soon fell in love.

When it became apparent they would marry, Ralph thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly thereafter, they tied the knot.

A few months later, while returning home from work, Ralph's car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he phoned Rhonda and told her he'd be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, as he approached a small cafe, the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since our hero still had several miles to go, he reasoned that he could walk off any ill effects before he arrived home. So, he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way back, Ralph farted up a storm. By the time he arrived home, however, he felt reasonably confident.

Rhonda met him at the door and appeared somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point, he began feeling another large gust welling up from down below. Just as wifey was about to remove the blindfold, however, the phone rang. Hence, she again made him promise not to peek until she returned and then went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, Ralph seized the opportunity and made his move. Shifting his weight to one leg, he let fly what had, by then, become a full-blown toxic thunderhead. Specifically, not only was it incredibly loud, but the stench was far away and beyond that of a truckload of rotten eggs. It was so bad, even Ralph, himself, encountered such difficulty breathing the putrified air, he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about.

After almost a minute, Ralph finally began feeling better when, horror of horrors, another urge of leviathan proportions burst into his nether region. So, he raised his leg and let 'er rip. No question, it sounded similar to a diesel engine revving, but the smell was off-the-chart, i.e., there simply isn't sufficient vocabulary to adequately describe its olfactory cruelty.

In an effort to keep himself from puking, Ralph tried furiously fanning his arms in a mostly futile effort to dissipate the thick fog, which either permeated most everything it came into contact with, or peeled varnish and paint.

After several minutes of dry heaving and breaking into a sweat from flapping his arms, things began returning to some semblance of normalcy when Ralph felt yet another urge coming on like a stampede of wild Clydsdales. He had no choice but to accomodate by shifting his weight to his other leg and releasing the beast. Oh, this was a real purple ribbon, grand champion winner; the stuff of fart legends. Yes, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and, less than a minute later, the flowers on the table were obviously dead.

With an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise to remain blindfolded, Ralph carried on like this for the next 10 minutes or so, blasting, fanning, gagging, and sweating, until he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom). He then neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, Ralph was the picture of innocence when his better half returned. After apologizing for the phone delay, she asked if he'd peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

Amen.

p.s. Although these days this story is called an "urban legend", it originated as a true accounting of the events leading up to Herkimer Eugene McGinty's (the jackass a/k/a wonderaz) divorce from his third wife, Midge, back during the Great Depression.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-22-2005 10:44 PM
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SimpleSimon
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JEB, whilst Snopes doesn't address the second story as to it's veracity, it thoroughly debunks that first one as a real STINKER.

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Old Post 07-23-2005 12:04 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Talking

quote:
Originally posted by SimpleSimon
JEB, whilst Snopes doesn't address the second story as to it's veracity, it thoroughly debunks that first one as a real STINKER.

Snopes is a goldmine of aminal's favorite stories and anecdotes.

Perntarooski. Dickel, of course.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 07-23-2005 07:38 AM
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J E B Stuart
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quote:
Originally posted by SimpleSimon
JEB, whilst Snopes doesn't address the second story as to it's veracity, it thoroughly debunks that first one as a real STINKER.

And ya gotta admit, ol' pal, the world thrives on hot air.

Speakin' o' hot air:

TOKYO (AP) -- The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances, claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.

The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. One side effect of this, however, has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.

Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.

The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. Nevertheless, it has inspired a new craze of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.

"Mr Otoma has no one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, this would not have happened. Our security guards undergo careful screening and rigorous training before they are allowed to deal with customers," said Mr Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take Bar.

Mr. Nomura added, "Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing. Sadly for him, after fifteen bottles of lager, he was badly out of tune."

"Well, Mr. Otoma took great exception to the contest result and hurled enormous blue fireballs at Mrs. Mifune, the judge, singeing the front her hair, entirely toasting her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people, who were regular customers, have returned to my business. When our security staff approached Mr. Otoma, he turned his torching upon them, making it impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma's knees, knocking his legs out from under him," continued Mr. Nomura.

"The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his centre of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette."

Mr. Nomura concluded, "The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of Mr. Otoma's body. His resulting muteness and subsequent loss of employment are entirely his own fault."

Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.

Amen.

p.s. I hear Noot is a reg'lar at The Tike-Take karaoke bar.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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