The Asylum   Search Private Messages Options Blogs Images Chat Cam Portals Calendar FAQ's Join  
Asylum Forums : Powered by vBulletin version 2.2.8 Asylum Forums > The Lost Forum > Philosopher Jokes
  Last Thread   Next Thread
Author
Thread [new thread]    [post reply]
dogcow
brucoš

Registered: Apr 2005
Location: europa
Posts: 11486
Philosopher Jokes

The First Law of Philosophy

For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy

They're both wrong.

* * * * * * *

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

* * * * * * *

Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"

* * * * * * *

If you put two philosophers in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Eddy Zemach, in which case you get seven opinions. (Apologies to Winston Churchill)

* * * * * * *

These jokes posted with the permission of Pasi Kueppameki.




Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

* * * * * * *

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

* * * * * * *

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

The three above jokes were contributed by Owen Herring.
He attributes the third to Elliot Sober.

* * * * * * *

Question: What do you get when you cross an aesthete with a phenomenologist?
Answer: An interior daseiner.

Jeffrey Glick

* * * * * * *

Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.

Elizabeth Hoppe

* * * * * * *

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
William Knorpp

* * * * * * *


A man does a good deed and as a reward his guardian angel appears and offers him the answer to any question he wishes to ask. But she says to take his time and she will return in two days. Well the man immediately realized he could become very rich: Which stock will go up the most over the next five years? Which horse will win the Kentucky Derby? Who will win the next Superbowl? etc. But then he thought, why waste this chance of a lifetime on money? After all, money is only a means to happiness. With the right question he can determine the secret of happiness itself! But the more he
thought about it, the more he worried about tricks the angel might play: for example, suppose he asked, "What will make me the happiest man in the universe?" And she answered, "Go live on planet Rigel III" - perhaps true, but perfectly useless.

So our careful questioner decided to take this problem to the nearest philosophy department for assistance. He put the problem to the chair. The chair loved the challenge and as it happens, they were having a departmental meeting that evening anyway, so he told the man to return the next day. When the man returned, the chair beamed and informed him that the department put its best minds together and came up with the best possible question to ask the angel - and naturally he told the man the question to ask.

The next day the angel appeared and asked, "Well, do you have a question for me?" "Yes," the man replied with a great deal of confidence in his voice. "What are the members of the following ordered pair: the first member of the pair is the best possible question I could ask you, and the second member of the pair is the answer to that question?" The angel smiled and said, "You know, you couldn't have asked me a better question. In fact the first member of the pair IS the question you just asked. But that means the second member is the answer I'm giving you now."

* * * * * * *

A philosopher falls asleep and dreams. In his dream, one by one, the greatest philosophers of all time stand before him and systematically state their views and arguments: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Hume, Descartes, etc. But in each case the philosopher, dramatically pointing his finger at the presenter, was able to come up with a devastating objection that left the presenting philosopher speechless and unable to effectively reply. In fact, the philosopher realized it was the same objection in every case - he had found the perfect philosophical move to make in conferences and colloquia. He forced himself to wake up and write the objection down on a convenient slip of paper, then, he drifted dreamily back to sleep with a smile on his face. When he awoke the next morning he read the words, ....

"THATšS WHAT YOU SAY!"


more here

__________________
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." ~ Castaneda

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 03:41 PM
dogcow is offline Click Here to See the Profile for dogcow Click here to Send dogcow a Private Message Find more posts by dogcow Add dogcow to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Jeitarium
Scarred for Life

Registered: Nov 2004
Location: Detroit
Posts: 912

haha ever try philosophy on a date? It won't get you laid but it will help you know if you could ever marry this woman.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 06:07 PM
Jeitarium is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Jeitarium Click here to Send Jeitarium a Private Message Find more posts by Jeitarium Add Jeitarium to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
skalie
Locksmith of Lurve

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 18876

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 06:10 PM
skalie is offline Click Here to See the Profile for skalie Click here to Send skalie a Private Message Find more posts by skalie Add skalie to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
memdink
spasm of violence

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: denv3r
Posts: 5294

Ha! That's what you say!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 06:45 PM
memdink is offline Click Here to See the Profile for memdink Click here to Send memdink a Private Message Find more posts by memdink Add memdink to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
philjit
Arch-Enemy of Idealism

Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13054
Re: Philosopher Jokes

man... I earn $80K a year and I have a degree in Politics and Philoophy... bang goes that joke then!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 10:44 PM
philjit is offline Click Here to See the Profile for philjit Click here to Send philjit a Private Message Find more posts by philjit Add philjit to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
SimpleSimon
Dead Horse Rider

Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 28608
Re: Re: Philosopher Jokes

quote:
Originally posted by philjit
man... I earn $80K a year and I have a degree in Politics and Philoophy... bang goes that joke then!


Not practicing philosophy as your trade, I'd bet.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 10:50 PM
SimpleSimon is offline Click Here to See the Profile for SimpleSimon Click here to Send SimpleSimon a Private Message Find more posts by SimpleSimon Add SimpleSimon to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
philjit
Arch-Enemy of Idealism

Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13054
Re: Re: Re: Philosopher Jokes

quote:
Originally posted by SimpleSimon
Not practicing philosophy as your trade, I'd bet.


I practice philosophy as my trade every day. Wihtout it I would not be in the position I am in now. I'm a UNIX System Administrator... I troubleshoot computers for a living... philoophy is the foundation fo that troubleshooting.. not cpmputer science. You don't need computer science if you have Descartes, Hume, Wittengenstien and Popper.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:00 PM
philjit is offline Click Here to See the Profile for philjit Click here to Send philjit a Private Message Find more posts by philjit Add philjit to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
SimpleSimon
Dead Horse Rider

Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 28608

Right. Whats that job title again?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:03 PM
SimpleSimon is offline Click Here to See the Profile for SimpleSimon Click here to Send SimpleSimon a Private Message Find more posts by SimpleSimon Add SimpleSimon to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
philjit
Arch-Enemy of Idealism

Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13054

UNIX Systems Administrator.. as I said.. I have no computing degree.... I do have Descartes, Hume, Wittengenstien and Popper; who [all in one way or another] taught me how to think analytically. The very notion that philosopgy is a useless subject is one espoused by people who have little too no understanding of it's importance.

Last edited by philjit on 07-15-2005 at 11:07 PM

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:04 PM
philjit is offline Click Here to See the Profile for philjit Click here to Send philjit a Private Message Find more posts by philjit Add philjit to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
SimpleSimon
Dead Horse Rider

Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 28608

Applied Logic, in other words. Such skills come from many sources.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:06 PM
SimpleSimon is offline Click Here to See the Profile for SimpleSimon Click here to Send SimpleSimon a Private Message Find more posts by SimpleSimon Add SimpleSimon to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
philjit
Arch-Enemy of Idealism

Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13054

quote:
Originally posted by SimpleSimon
Applied Logic, in other words. Such skills come from many sources.


Quite correct. Sources all of which stemmed from the work of philsophers who put it the idea on paper in the first place. As I said, the notion that philosophy is a useless subject is one espoused by people who have little too no understanding of its importance. Thank you for proving my point.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:11 PM
philjit is offline Click Here to See the Profile for philjit Click here to Send philjit a Private Message Find more posts by philjit Add philjit to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Paint CHiPs
Smartest Man in the World

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26816

Funny, I've known a lot of people great at applied logic and analytical thinking that have no background whatsoever in philosophy. I never knew they were idiot savants before.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:14 PM
Paint CHiPs is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Paint CHiPs Click here to Send Paint CHiPs a Private Message Visit Paint CHiPs's homepage! Find more posts by Paint CHiPs Add Paint CHiPs to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
SimpleSimon
Dead Horse Rider

Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 28608

quote:
Originally posted by Paint CHiPs
Funny, I've known a lot of people great at applied logic and analytical thinking that have no background whatsoever in philosophy. I never knew they were idiot savants before.


Point for you. [P]

Lest I forget. One for philjit as well. [P]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:18 PM
SimpleSimon is offline Click Here to See the Profile for SimpleSimon Click here to Send SimpleSimon a Private Message Find more posts by SimpleSimon Add SimpleSimon to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
philjit
Arch-Enemy of Idealism

Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13054

quote:
Originally posted by Paint CHiPs
Funny, I've known a lot of people great at applied logic and analytical thinking that have no background whatsoever in philosophy.


you don't need a background in philosophy to apply the ideas of philosopher's in one's thinking. Do you honestly think that the likes of Descartes or Kant's idea existed in a vacuum? No. They were consumed by the society of the day and normalised into everyday thought. Without the philosophers of the past the "it's obvious for christ sake!" attitude of the present would not exist... well unless you're a mindlessly arrogant tit that thought he was the first person to come up with Descartian rationalism.

My point remains that the notion that philosophy is a useless subject is one espoused by people who have little too no understanding of it's importance. Something which I hasten to add has yet to be disputed.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:20 PM
philjit is offline Click Here to See the Profile for philjit Click here to Send philjit a Private Message Find more posts by philjit Add philjit to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
philjit
Arch-Enemy of Idealism

Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13054

quote:
Originally posted by Paint CHiPs
I never knew they were idiot savants before.


oh how quaintly droll why! I expected a one legged dawrf to hop past whilst a cymbal was smashed I truly did!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:25 PM
philjit is offline Click Here to See the Profile for philjit Click here to Send philjit a Private Message Find more posts by philjit Add philjit to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
loser
oxymoran

Registered: Dec 2004
Location: Beringia
Posts: 6194

Can a one legged dwarf smash a cymbol whilst hopping?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-15-2005 11:30 PM
loser is offline Click Here to See the Profile for loser Click here to Send loser a Private Message Find more posts by loser Add loser to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
dogcow
brucoš

Registered: Apr 2005
Location: europa
Posts: 11486

so, which philosopher was it that invented logical thinking?

__________________
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." ~ Castaneda

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-16-2005 12:47 AM
dogcow is offline Click Here to See the Profile for dogcow Click here to Send dogcow a Private Message Find more posts by dogcow Add dogcow to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
wonderaz
Sarky Bastard

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sedona, Arizona... No no Cornville!!
Posts: 21693

quote:
Originally posted by loser
Can a one legged dwarf smash a cymbol whilst hopping?


Smash a cymbal with what?

__________________
quote:
Originally posted by Coincidence
Wonder is right *gasp*.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-16-2005 02:15 AM
wonderaz is offline Click Here to See the Profile for wonderaz Click here to Send wonderaz a Private Message Visit wonderaz's homepage! Find more posts by wonderaz Add wonderaz to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Roshigoth
The Cheesemeister

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Myrtle Beach, SC
Posts: 18000

The lion that ate his other leg.

__________________

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-16-2005 02:23 AM
Roshigoth is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Roshigoth Click here to Send Roshigoth a Private Message Find more posts by Roshigoth Add Roshigoth to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
All times are GMT. The time now is 11:28 PM. Post New Thread    Post A Reply
  Last Thread   Next Thread
Show Printable Version | Email this Page | Subscribe to this Thread

Forum Jump:
 

Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is ON
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
 

< Contact Us - The Asylum >

Copyright © 2014- Imaginet Inc.
[Legal Notice] | [Privacy Policy] | [Site Index]