Your whole "I dress like an office drone and act respectable and then sit on forum where we discuss urethra fucking and public torture" bit still creeps me out. I bet it would creep out your co-workers even more.
Fort Widley .... for a couple of years I had a set of keys to the place. I was in the bowels of the place once and the cunts turned the lights out when I didn't have my torch on me. I filled my pants whilst bumping into things.