|A Christmas Tail||by J E B Stuart - 12/24/02 - 02:15:17|
|(ROOTERS -- Beaver Meadows, NY) An Asylumnation benefit Christmas play and musical for elderly residents of Sunset Acres Resthome was canceled following a power outage midway through the performance early Tuesday evening. Various law enforcement and emergency medical personnel, responding to numerous 911 calls, were greeted with chaos and pandemonium as they arrived at the scene.
The cast for the production was headlined by Geoffrey "MstrG" Tarwaters as "Joseph" and Josephine "Missjo" Prather as "Mary". Also making his first appearance was Jackie "Roshigoth" Colby as the little baby Jeebus in the manger.
Though details were initially sketchy, nurse aides indicated the trouble began when the power went out during the nativity scene. Anonymous sources also reported that as the evening progressed, Tarwaters had developed an obvious fixation upon certain remarkably abundant features of Prather's anatomy. Apparently, the opportunity created by the blackout, which lasted no more than 15 seconds, overwhelmed Tarwater's self-restraint.
Unfortunately for Tarwaters, however, it turned out that Prather suffers from nyctophobia, an abnormal fear of darkness.
When the power went out, Prather panicked and immediately crawled under the manger. Simultaneously, Colby, who had been lying nude on his stomach throughout the production because his swadling costume had been lost in transit, raised up on all fours. As he did, his hindquarters and nether region were immediately immobilized by an unseeable, but brutishly strong and hairy force.
The lights flickered back on to reveal a scene that one outraged observer described as "an abominable abomination!" Panicked and bewildered residents scattered as they attempted to flee the premises. Walkers and wheelchairs were haphazardly strewn about in a half-block radius around the facility, due to their owners being transported to the hospital for treatment of a variety of complaints.
"I couldn't budge!" Colby said later. "I felt an unbearably scratchy and prickly sensation, like sandpaper, y'know? And I heard what sounded like muffled raspberry and num-num noises. I was stunned. Shocked and stunned. Ummm, by the way, does this mean I'm not a virgin anymore?"
Tarwaters refused comment.
|vagrant claims little green man "made me do it"||by J E B Stuart - 11/25/02 - 03:59:01|
|(ROOTERS - Jiggs, NV) Herkimer Eugene McGinty, ostensibly of Evening Shade Resthome in Winslow, Arizona, was arrested early Sunday south of Elko, Nevada after an area rancher, who requested anonymity, notified local authorities complaining of a man disturbing the peace in his mule barn. Alert Asylumnation reporters overheard the dispatch on the scanner and followed an Elko County deputy to the scene. Upon arrival, Mr. McGinty, who goes by numerous aliases including "wonderaz" and "jackass", was standing in the rancher's corral, holding what appeared to be a very small, green man in his fingers.
Questioning revealed that McGinty claimed he had just removed a "little green man from Mars" from his brain. "It must've happened while I was on my space flight for the government of Djibouti," he said. "I remember passing out, then waking up with this awful headache. Fact is, the more I think about it, the more inclined I am to believe that these aliens have been coming and going in my brain pretty much as they damn well pleased, for many, many years. If this is true, and I'm convinced it is, that sure explains a helluva lot. Those voices in my head were about to drive me nuts."
McGinty evaded inquiries as to how he managed to extract something like that from his brain, but when the deputy frisked him, a set of still-moist needlenose pliars was discovered in a pocket in his trousers. The pliars, along with "the little green man", were sent to the crime lab in Carson City for testing.
After an initial appearance before a local magistrate, McGinty was ordered transported to Las Vegas for psychiatric observation and evaluation. He slipped away while his custodian was making a "rest stop" at Fluffy's Bar and Brothel. Asylumnation sources report he was later spotted in Rachel, Nevada, asking directions to Area 51.
|Saddam vows "spectacular" mullets||by J E B Stuart - 11/18/02 - 23:52:11|
(ROOTERS -- Baghdad, Iraq) Apparently taking a que from Osama Bin Laden's recent video pronouncement broadcasted by Al Jazeera, Saddam Hussein vowed the Iraqi people will stand defiant against the infidels with a series of relentless and increasingly "spectacular" mullets. Hussein delivered his latest forceful speech on state-run Iraqi television on the eve of the arrival of the latest crew of U.N. inspectors.
Sporting his own spectacular mulletized coif, the Iraqi dictator was, at times, barely intelligible. His cheeks appeared stuffed and he repeatedly paused to spit into the cupped hands of Tariq Aziz, Iraq Deputy Prime Minister. Observers speculated on the identity of the unknown substance, but all official channels remained silent. Local barbers were soon swamped, however, by hordes of jubilant and defiant men waiting in line for their turn at a mullet-do. Despite the crowds, the mood was quite festive as "Sweet Home Alibaba", the new Iraqi hit single by Qusay Hussein, blared repeatedly over loudspeakers placed on top of hundreds of buildings in cities throughout the country.
While the international community reeled in shock and disbelief as the bizarre and puzzling tirade unfolded, the award-winning team of Asylumnation crack reporters confirmed the successful completion of a stunning triple double top-secret undercover covert special operations mission. As was reported earlier in Asylumnation's fabled Lost Forum, a long-time poster and humourist known to members as "Mugtoe" recently embarked upon a pleasure trip to London, U.K. It turned out, however, this was just a clever ruse to provide cover for his insertion into Baghdad. Asylumnation also discovered that "Mugtoe" is, in fact, an alias for none other than Frank "Three Dollar" Williams, storied lawman and Texas Ranger.
Asylumnation tracked down Ranger Williams at an undisclosed location somewhere in Minnesota to inquire why the White House would send only one man, let alone a Texas Ranger, on such an incredibly dangerous international mission. "Well, it's like this," drawled Williams, "One dictator, one Ranger. That's all it takes and I doggone sure know plenty 'bout dick 'n' taters."
Known as a master of disguise, "Three Dollar", as he is affectionately called by his close friends, went on to explain how he essentially neutralized the Iraqi threat by seizing control of the tyrant's mind. "They, being middle easterners, can deny it all they want, but when it gets down to the nut-cuttin', there's two things they cannot resist, which is, fresh dip and Skynyrd. It's like camel jockey catnip. And everything else -- the mullets, coon dogs, pickup trucks, etc. -- they all inevitably follow from those two things. Hell, all it takes is just a pinch, but when I slipped a little pinch to that crazy Saddam he went nutsy. No pinch for him. Nosiree. He packed his lips and cheeks full and keeps 'em crammed full. Never seen anything like it."
The interview abruptly terminated when Williams received a call from someone he called "Condo".
|boobonic plague strikes man and woman||by J E B Stuart - 11/08/02 - 01:20:08|
(ROOTERS -- Cuckoo. VA) Disease investigators tried Wednesday to track down the source of a bizarre contagion tentatively dubbed the "boobonic plague" that apparently caused a British citizen and Virginia woman to sprout gargantuan breasts. Health officials believe they became infected as a result of eating wild mushrooms obtained in a foraging expedition in the woods outside Cuckoo, Virginia, said Grant Sligert, a spokesman for the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The man and woman showed up at two different hospitals Tuesday, complaining of severe back pain and swelling bosom. They were given antibiotics and administered enemas every hour on the hour as a precautionary measure, though doctors remain baffled.
Health officials on Thursday repeated their assertion that the public is not in danger, but issued a strong cautionary statement against the consumption of any and all mushrooms until such time as more tests can be completed.
Asylumnation reporters attempted to speak by telephone with the U.K. victim, Chauncey Quimbish, but were told to "bugger off!" before he slammed the receiver down. Anonymous sources revealed, however, that Quimbish is C.E.O. of "Smug Git Ministries, Ltd.", currently under investigation by Interpol for running numerous pyramid money schemes fronted by a weekly gospel hour carried by numerous cable television providers.
Penelope U. Forbea, who would only allow that she resided in Virginia, was more forthcoming. "Frankly, I'd been thinking about getting me some store-bought knockers. I was hoping this might turn out to be a blessing in disguise but, instead, it's been a holy nightmare. They're still growing!" She paused, then added, "On second thought, though, my hubbie can't seem to keep his hands off me now. That little stinker!"
In yet another exclusive, Asylumnation hackers obtained an image of one of the victims from her medical database.
|Limey Expelled From US for Indecent Defication||by Dingle - 11/06/02 - 02:21:00|
|Limey Expelled From US for Indecent Defication in the White House
(Hooters -- Washington, DC) An unidentified British citizen was removed from the White House by force and returned to the UK after a brief confrontation.
The accused allegedly soiled a bathroom in the White House during a public tour, and assaulted White House staff when confronted. Reports indicate that the bathroom was extensively soiled with feces. There is no indication of any motive at this time.
|Ghey Test: What Asylumite Are You? ||by Dingle - 11/04/02 - 15:56:01|
So you wanna find out, do ya?
It seems every site on the internet nowadays has a test specific to them. Something that they can call their own. A test that isn't yanked from a fucking Fark link. A test that defines you as a member of your community. Websites that devote precious space to tell you how you fair in their community.
OK, they don't, but they'll follow our lead soon enough. What's your Spark IQ? Which Monster Robot Are You? Are You Hot or Not?
Fuck all that. What you really want to know, what you're dying to hear, is simple:
What Asylumite Are You?
Answer the questions before you look at the choices. Consider who you are, as a human being. And then accept what a fag that human being is. Take the test, and accept your fate.
There can be only one.
[ Click Here to Take the Test ]
P.S. Yes I know this is a week old, but im posting it as news for the sake of keeping it easily accessible
|red bra stolen; elderly man suspected||by J E B Stuart - 11/03/02 - 15:12:54|
(ROOTERS -- Kermit, TX) A joint RV roundup and jamboree sponsored by the AARP (American Association Of Retired Persons) and VFW (Veterans Of Foreign Wars) ended on a sour note late Saturday evening. Josephine Prather, known to her affectionate fans as "Missjo", reported the forcible theft of "La Maison de Whoppers Rouge", her reportedly one-of-a-kind brassiere. Missjo is a traveling Australian exotic poetry performer and semi-mime, currently on her first world tour entitled "Cornucopia". Sources say she had just returned to her trailer after a rousing encore performance of "Desiderata", which she sang to the tune of Stephen Fosters', "De Camptown Races".
A Sheriff's sketch artist was able to draw a composite of the suspect based upon information provided by Prather, as well as several other vendors in the vicinity who reported several instances of food and beverage larceny by a lone, unwashed man with blood-shot eyes and remarkably bad breath. Based upon the sketch, authorities have issued an all-points-bulletin for an elderly vagrant matching the description of a Herkimer Eugene McGinty. McGinty reportedly walked away from the Evening Shade Resthome in Winslow, Arizona several weeks ago. Since then, he has been spotted at various locales on the coast and as far way as Djibouti.
"I had just undressed after drawing myself a nice, warm bath, when I turned around and saw this horrible, unkempt man leering at himself in my full-length mirror! He'd already put on my prized possession and, even though I didn't have a stitch of clothing on, I beaned him square between the eyes with the first thing I could grab, which was a bar of soap. Other than crossing his eyes, though, it didn't seem to faze him, as he just made a loud grunting noise and crashed through the side window. Oh, and I might add, the lingering stench he left behind was awful. Just awful." said Prather, in an Asylumnation exclusive interview.
McGinty uses several aliases including "Jackass", "Wonderaz" and "Juan De Ruiz". Criminal profile experts have determined that McGinty has had a deep-seated, lifelong obsession with red women's undergarments, especially red brassieres. They are also relatively certain McGinty will most likely be wearing the pilfered item.
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