|porterstein earns mcdonald's promotion||by J E B Stuart - 10/23/02 - 03:52:27|
(ROOTERS -- Otisfield, ME) Never let it be said that Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, up-and-coming Mcdonald's fry cook, lacks ambition. In a stunning shakeup in the corporate world of McDonald's, it was announced that Porterstein was being promoted from the french fry vats to the sesame seed bun warmer.
"It's not really about the money," said Porterstein, whose hard efforts were recognized with a 12-cent per hour raise in pay. "No, it's all about pride."
He continued, "I mean, I asked myself if I really wanted to stay on french fries the rest of my life and I ultimately had to admit the answer was 'no'. True, I had mastered all the secret fry-techniques, but in recent months, the passion just wasn't there. That was when I finally broke down, walked into Sid Talley's, he's my shift-manager, office, shut that door behind me and asserted myself!"
More like "inserted himself", said Clarence Vining, former sesame seed bun warmer technician who was contacted the following day. Vining, summarily demoted after Porterstein's closed-door session, has filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), charging Porterstein and his shift supervisor with sexual discrimination. "I don't believe for one minute that no-good, lying Porterstein ever really went back into the closet, like he says he did. Fact is, he's the most brazen brown-noser I've ever seen. You don't believe me, just take one look at him! It's written all over his face. He just literally sucked up to the bossman and before I knew what hit me, WHAM! I'm dunkin' french fry baskets," he said.
Asylumnation reporters attempted to contact Porterstein and Talley for a response to Vining's accusations, but were advised they were attending a "career enrichment seminar" for the remainder of the week, reportedly at an out-of-town Motel 6.
|Flying Jackass Sighted in AZ Desert||by Dingle - 10/16/02 - 12:46:30|
(Hooters -- Sedona, AZ) Many reports of an unidentified flying jackass hovering over the Arizona desert came streaming in last weekend. A 9-1-1 operator reportedly stated "People are justifiably in a state of panic, it is after all a frightening thought".
While many visitors have fled the city, some local old timers remained calm. "It's just that jackass flying his balloon again" said J. Dickellover of Sedona, as if such an abhorration were a normal occurrence.
Sedona, which is not far from the infamous Area 51, has been flooded with UFO seekers and conspiracy theorists, however the federal government maintains that the sighting was nothing more than a low flying weather balloon.
|Asylum Celebrates Anal Sex Month||by Dingle - 10/15/02 - 08:17:57|
Anal Sex Month. Can anyone remember the last time we had an anal sex month? Jeez, I can't remember, it's surely been a long time. In fact, i'm not even sure October is legitimately Anal Sex Month, but since the holiday has gone by unobserved for so long i'm redefining anal sex month as mid-October through mid-November.
I also want to dedicate this Anal Sex Month to a very speshal poster here at The Asylum. So special and so inspirational, that in fact i've decided to re-name Anal Sex Month altogether this year after her and her monumental accomplishments. Let's hear it for Bunkum's Virgin Asshole Cherry Buster Month!!! *pause for applause*
Before we delve into our dear bunkums recent ass-ripping experience, let us re-visit the history of anal sex for the newcomers this year.
The young generation take a lot of things for granted: Cable T.V., remote controls, cellular phones, automatic transmissions, cd players, computers, high-speed internet, food, water, easily accessable hunting rifles, drugs, friends who are old enough to buy smokes/booze, moms cash drawer, competent doctors, funeral plots, and of course promiscuous anal sex.
Legitimate anal sex is historically a very new practice, and has only existed since the mid-70's. An alternate, satanic form of anal sex existed before then, and still exists today, however it is discredited by every legitimate anal sex authority in existence, and scorned by the general public becaue of it's vulgar indecency. This method is sometimes referred to as "gay anal", however hundreds of synonyms have been attributed to the vile act.
Gay Anal is achieved when a male penetrates the rectum of another male with his erect member. Yes, please take a second to gag on your vomit, it is a vile, perverse, putrid practice that only leads to spreading the homo poison to us straight, god-fearing W.A.S.P.s.
Now that the facts are in order we may get back to our favourite anal recipient, bunkum dearest. While I applaud the revelatin of her newfound anal fixation, this isn't exactly the first time it's come up, as she seems to imply.
While i've never banged her asshole in the flesh, I can tell you it is damn near virtual reality in ivisit. I slapped on some warm beef liver and i couldnt tell the difference. No way that girl is an ass virgin.
Bunkum's case as she pleads it seems to be quite convincing on the surface, but it's really a cover-up for her own anal perverion. She claims that she's an ass virgin looking for anal advice, yet she hasn't even read
the anal sex bible: "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women". It seems every American since 1982 read this book in 5th grade, except bunkum of course, she just needs to perpetuate her deception for anal masturbation material. I'm not necessarily suggesting she has lied about her anal virginity in the flesh, and perhaps she really did lose said flower as she claims, but she is hardly a newcomer to the crap mining business.
Quite conveniently for her, I am unable to post her PM's to me because of the Princess Asswhore debaucle, which is a shame because said messages would prove every word of this article. I have engaged Bunkum regularly in anal darts for 2 years now, always at her request no less.
Perhap as I continually savage her character in public such as this she will one day cave ass first into my cock (balls deep). Until that moment, and perhaps after that moment, I may continue to, but probably will not write any more long drawn out analysises of bunkums anal sex life, because it ended up too much fucking work. maybe my next article will cover her average vaginal discharge volume.
ON BEHALF OF MYSELF, AND THE ASYLUM MANAGEMENT, WE WISH YOU A
GAY MERRY ANAL SEX MONTH, AND HOPE YOU PROSPER FROM ALL YOUR ANAL ENDEAVORS.
|Canada to mint "Cock Cash"||by Dingle - 10/14/02 - 22:29:29|
In a controversial effort to please Canada's population which is comprised vastly of homosexual men, they have announced their intentions to produce what has been dubbed "Cock Cash", Canadian tender featuring nude gay models proudly displaying their inferior Canadian man bits.
Criticism is not limited to the sexual theme of the designs. Some have criticized the ethinicity of the men displayed. "What the hell do they have a black dude on there for? Everyone knows there (are) no blacks in Canada." stated Mr. The Jackass of Sedona, AZ.
However, judging by the endowment of said black male, it can be assumed that Canada does in fact have one negro.
The controversy doesn't end there, however. It's been determined that at least one of the featured homosexuals is in fact a U.S. citizen. Mord E. Queer of Colorado Springs explained "I just wanted to lick cock in the cold".
An associate of Mr. Queer, Mugtoe of Minneapolis, commented "If he wanted to lick cock in the cold he should've called me".
The new currency is expected to be released in early 2003.
Pictured left to right: bowmore, CRSR, Buddha's Penis, Mordecai, Wil Freak aka 'The Hammer', Dick White
|Woman Accused of Cock Crime||by Dingle - 10/14/02 - 12:49:28|
(HOOTERS -- Providence, RI) In an embarrasing incident a local woman identified as Joey Cat was arrested and charged with indecent exposure and sexual deception last Saturday after parading her privates on the busy streets of Providence.
"I feel hurt and betrayed." Said a local man Frank N. Beans who had been courting Ms. Joey Cat for several months. "I had no idea she had cock 'n balls, I can't believe she deceived me like this."
Joey Cat is facing castration and death by boning for the sexual deception charges, but she maintains that the phallus is not hers.
|Hands Free Cellular Phones||by Dingle - 10/12/02 - 11:15:03|
|I don't know if you've heard, but starting Jan 1, 2003 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter.
I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom microphone for my cell phone. I have come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot. These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. They are $0.03 each in quantity. I tried them out on Erickson, Motorola, & Nokia phones and they worked perfectly.
|Man Steals Odd Store Display||by Dingle - 10/11/02 - 01:35:03|
|Man Steals Odd Store Display
Late friday night in a small pharmacy in London, UK a man entered posing as a regular customer. He was dressed nicely and carried several red roses in his hand. He made his way to the back of the store where he then picked up a store display and ran out the door with it, leaving the roses scattered on the floor as he fled. 2 of the 3 other customers in the store at the time identified the man as Phil Lip aka Sp00ky, a resident of London, UK.
It turns out that the store display that Phil ran off with contained 30 disposable enemas. Police are still uncertain why anyone would need that many enemas. And they are still looking for Phil for further questioning. The store owner had only recently set up the display as part of a 3 week promotion. "Maybe he was severly constipated and didn't know what else to do" the store owner later stated.
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