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!!! Asylum Banners Contest !!! by Dingle - 07/20/02 - 10:04:16
Hey. As I'm sure you can all see, we have top right up there, a rotating set of 20 or so banners that gets cycled through when you're browsing here. Nothing fancy, just something to keep the place more...dynamic, for lack of a better word. It's sort of nice having a different picture every refresh, but the well is shallow. We need more.

So, I'm soliciting NEW Asylum banners. I'm asking that you, the members, put some of your skills and creative energies together and show us what you got. Cool looking, funny, snazzy, mind-blowing...whatever. But make some banners, and it'll get thrown in the rotation (so long as it doesn't completely suck or violate the rules). Just a nice bit of window-dressing to add to the ambiance of the place.

Most entries will probably get added to the rotation, but I want to see GOOD ones up there. And I want to see who has some talent. So the admin team will pick winners. Gold, silver, and bronze entries. Each will get culture and/or humor points, depending on the entry and how good it is (and thus how it ranks). We wanna see what you can do.

The only rules:

1. It has to be all-age content. No porn banners, please (and yes, I know there are some now, and we're getting rid of them). Retards dancing, is of course, perfectly acceptable.

2. 468 x 60 pixels is the size requirement.

3. The smaller the filesize the better (30kb max)

Post submissions here. Let's add something to the place. I wanna see what you guys can come up with.

Have at it.

You can see the current banners here:

20 People Sickened at water park,Ohio woman soughtby Dingle - 07/01/02 - 11:06:35
Two 12-year-olds were hostpitalized in poor condition and 18 other people were treated for respiratory problems and vomiting Sunday after going on water rides at a park in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. Authorities were investigating what sickened the people, said Janice Jackmehoff, spokeswoman for the Wyandot Lake Adventure Park. She said several people in the park's wave pool began coughing just before noon. The water rides were evacuated, and the wave pool remained closed Sunday evening.

Liberty Township fire officials said people reported seeing a woman with soiled drawers in the pool shortly before people became sick. Authorities are seeking this local woman, identified only by the initials PMG, for questioning and invasive anal probing.
sanitorium on lookout for troll invasionby J E B Stuart - 06/17/02 - 18:34:56
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Uploaded by: J E B Stuart on 06/17/02
Beeler residents shown wearing "x-ray specs" and other apparatus as they eagerly await the rumoured troll invasion. When asked why the necessity of the specs, the residents chanted in unison, "I'll never tay-yull, I'll never tay-yull...."

(ROOTERS--TURLEY, OK) Residents of Beeler's Sanitorium And Leper Colony are consumed by a new pasttime -- troll-spotting. When pressed with concerns for the safety of his charges, Ned Bender, Beeler administrator, shrugged and replied, "Trolls? Give me a *bleep* break!"

News of secret plans have recently surfaced for troll invasions of either Beeler's or the Korean War Amputees Home in Chadron, NE. Still reeling from humiliating reversals from bungled internet forum invasions, the trolls have been "racking" themselves in a desperate attempt to restore face by searching for more suitable prey.

One such troll, who identified himself only as "Lance", said, "That *bleep* *bleep* Asylumnation is *bleep* nothin' but *bleep* hell. Pure *bleep* hell. I was *bleep* glad to *bleep* get out of there with my *bleep* ass in my *bleep* hand. And *bleep* dude! Those *bleep* Taurus *bleep* geezers were *bleep* hell, too. *bleep* hell. So, *bleep* we just *bleep* about decided to *bleep* can this *bleep* internet *bleep* crap. Instead, we're *bleep* planning a *bleep* midnight *bleep* raid on the *bleep* 'tards at *bleep* Beeler's or maybe even the *bleep* gimps. Like *bleep* , *bleep* mano y *bleep* mano, ya*bleep* know. We *bleep* plan to *bleep* kick some *bleep* serious *bleep* ass. *bleep* rack! We'll *bleep* teach 'em not to *bleep* mess with the *bleep* trolls!"

The Great Troll Invasion - by slightby Dingle - 06/09/02 - 20:37:56
Troll Invasion Troll Invasion
Rolling Stones Tour. J E B Stuart - 05/25/02 - 15:49:23
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Uploaded by: J E B Stuart on 05/25/02
Stones during recent practice for upcoming tour. Shown (l-r) Dr. Quimby, the band's physician and harmonica player; Ron Wood; Charlie Watts; Twyla Grimshaw, backup vocals; Mick Jagger; Stella Rumsey, backup vocals; and Truby Moon, sandpaper block percussionist. Keith Richards was indisposed, reportedly undergoing the new radical and controversial formaldehyde therapy.

(ROOTERS -- Asylumnation Bureau) The Rolling Stones have announced yet another North American road trip, their umpteenth tour in several decades. The latest jaunt will kick off "pretty soon" at an undisclosed site rumoured to be in close proximity to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.

The tour, in support of their just released "Forget Alzheimer's" live album, will see a redesigned open stage with sitelines spanning 360 degrees, courtesy of the same team that designed the "Incontinence Lounge" and "It's Only Geritol" sets. The tour is being presented by the Wyeth Laboratories, makers of Preparation H Medicated Wipes. Opening act is tentatively Ike Turner, pending clearance from his probation and parole officer. Rumours persisted that Iron Butterfly was onboard. Unfortunately, Ron Bushy remains in a coma due to the freakish lightining strike on his iron lung during an Akron show last year..

A spokesperson for the promoter says the tour was inspired by the success of the odd, smaller venues like New York's Madison Estates Resthome performed during the previous nursing home tour, and by the fact that the band was forced to reschedule their U.K. dates until next year for tax and Keith Richard's liver, kidney, lung and heart transplant surgeries.

The spokesperson confirmed that the tickets will average $175 each.

Most of the shows will go on sale between November 20 and 22.
lunatic bingeby J E B Stuart - 05/21/02 - 01:01:37
Uploaded by: J E B Stuart on 05/20/02
I've had it. Up to here. That damn jackass Wonderaz has gone plumb over the edge this time. I'm certain of it. And he's pullin' me right along with 'im.

No-good, worthless, dirty-rotten, goofy, ignernt sumbitch. Hang on there. This story's gonna require at least one more bottle.

That's better. Ummm, oh yeah. The jackass. Y'all know that crazy bastid is as afraid o' Johnny Law as a possum is of an axe handle. No question about it. Well, it would stand to reason that if he wuz of a rational mind, which he ain't, he'd avoid potential encounters with the law like the plague.

Not the jackass. Nosireeee. Hell, he just arrived back at the resthome a few hours ago on a bus. Where wuz he, you say? Well, where he wuz ain't nearly as important as whut he wuz doin' when he wuz where he wuz.

I don't know whut I'd do without my trusted, true-blue friend, Dickel. Excuse me if'n I git a tad bit teary-eyed.

Don't worry. I ain't lost my place. I just needed a li'l nip. Anyway, the jackass somehow made it all the way to a damn Eydie Gorme 'n' Steve Lawrence show. Ya gotta understand the jackass don't give a rat's ass 'bout Steve Lawrence, in fact, he's claimed fer years that Lawrence is just a eunuch assigned to Eydie by her record company to keep tabs on her.

I know. I know. Don't make a damn lick o' sense, but remember . . . we're talking 'bout the jackass. The jackass and good sense are like oil 'n' water. Com-pren-day, Jose'?

Jeebus! Some o' that last swallow went down the wrong pipe. Burns like th'dickens. Oh, uh, the bus, the bus. I spent my last red cent . . . again . . . on bail bond and a bus ticket fer the jackass. Seems he disrupted the show 'n' got slapped with an attempted indecent exposure charge that wuz later reduced to attemptin' to disturbin' the piece. Frankly, I thought it wuz bad manners fer th'law to refer to Miss Gorme as a "piece", but hey! Whut do I know?

Anyway, in exchange fer settin' his bail, that bozo judge made the jackass promise he'd leave the jurisdiction if he'd swear to leave Miss Gorme alone forever 'n' ever and to also never come back to that state in return fer sum plea bargin. Well, all I can say is, whoever paid to send that numbnuts judge t'law school oughtta demand a full refund.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll just letcha know there ain't no punchline to this story. It's just one o' whut Paint CHiPs calls "cream o' unconsciousness" deals, or sumpin' like that.

And, did I git a "thank you" fer bailin' him out? A pat on the back fer the bus ticket? Hell no. Ungrateful bastid jackass just stumbles offa that bus, all cockeyed 'n' proud o' hisself. He's been in his room fer four hours straight, wearin' nuttin' but that same ol' abominable red bra 'n' red soily panties. Now, I'm used to that. But that ain't all . . .

For the past four hours, he's been blastin' that "Blame It On The Bossa Nova", over and over and over and dancin' in front o' that full-length mirror o' his. I can handle him bein' sick. Hell, he's been sick fer years. But I ain't as ruff 'n' tuff as I used to be an' I'm about to crack.

I been told they put the good Doctor Kevorkian in the pokey. If he has any pals in the business, I'd appreciate it if'n you'd send me his/her phone number and right quick. I love y'all 'n' have enjoyed my time here at AsylumNation, shootin' the shit, lookin' at titties, 'n' drinkin' Dickel. But if I'm gone tomorrow, just blame it on the bossa nova.

Now if y'all will excuse me, I got sum real serious drinkin' t'do.

Dear Mr. The Wraithby Dingle - 05/10/02 - 22:02:07
Q: Who says bitching and moaning doesn't get you anything?
A: Not me!

Truth be told, I did this for myself.

I'm sure most of you have noticed the change in the points display, and some of you have already whined about it (fiend). I, and i'm sure alot of other people, was fed up with one-line posts (which encompasses 9/10 posts here) taking up half a screen. That has now been alleviated.

Also, as an added bonus, there are some points display options in your user options. You can:

- Prevent your points from being displayed to other people
- Choose not to see any points at all

This is sure to make Wraith happy, and sharing the same sentiment I am quite thrilled.

Cheers and happy point whoring

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