|asylum man returns to the closet||by J E B Stuart - 10/01/02 - 01:56:00|
(ROOTERS -- Bible Hill, TN) Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, itinerant internet forum poster writing in cyberspace under various pseudonyms including Paint CHiPs and RumP RanGeR, hastily called a secret press conference this afternoon to announce he was dropping his bid to "come out of the closet".
"Like, I thought it was something I just had to do. After all, I am a Libertarian, you know? But, I've concluded I have a great many issues to resolve before ever considering coming out again in the future. You know? Frankly, man, I was so not prepared for the avalanche of attention that followed the announcement of my previous decision," said Porterstein.
It may turn out there is, in fact, a physiological catalyst for the "avalanche" complained of by the young man. Informed sources disclosed that medical tests, conducted during Porterstein's alum therapy sessions to correct a grossly distended sphincter, detected abnormally high levels of certain complex and astonishingly potent pheromones. For reasons not yet explained, speculation is these pheromones triggered the hot, maniacal pursuits of Porterstein by numerous male suitors, apparently succumbing to an irresistable spell cast by the exceedlingly pungent and powerful excretions.
When asked about it, Porterstein replied, "All I know is that I'm tired of running. They've worn me out. And that thing with that monster Limey just about did me in." Porterstein's mention of the "Limey" was in reference to what has since become known as the Philadelphia Incident, which is still under investigation.
The interview abruptly terminated when a couple of bikers began clawing and banging on the front door of the secret cabin arranged for the meeting. Porterstein was last seen as he ran screaming into the woods after crashing through a side window.
|asylum man injured in stripping accident||by J E B Stuart - 09/18/02 - 01:28:14|
(ROOTERS -- Manitou Springs, CO) Longtime Asylumnation member and prolific poster mordecai was injured in a freak accident yesterday while preparing a new routine for his act at Tom's Tom-Tom, a notorious strip joint and hot-spot on the outskirts of Colorado Springs. Randy "mordecai" Nibbits was reportedly filling helium balloons during happy hour while in the midst of preparing the set for his much-hyped and anticipated "Around The World In 80 Ways" routine. Unbeknownst to him, Delbert Shane Chickley, a fellow male dancer, snuck up behind Nibbits and shoved the helium nozzle into the gateway to the dark continent.
Chickley later claimed to police that he intended only a prank; that he thought he was shutting the pressure off when he twisted the valve. Regardless, the effect was immediate. When police and EMS attendants arrived, Nibbits was bobbing against the ceiling, attempting to fend off rapid blows from the ceiling fan blades. After being secured and pulled down with a rope, he had to be duct-taped to the guerney before being placed in the ambulance.
Doctors have since determined that Nibbits helium-saturated tissues pose no long-term health risks. Although it may take weeks, even months, they also believe the gas will eventually pass from his system, eventually restoring Nibbits to his normal proportions. In the meantime, as a safety precaution, he has been outfitted with a lead-weighted loincloth until such time as a suitably fitted and weighted wardrobe can be tailored. JEB Stuart of Asylumnation has started an emergency wardrobe fund for that purpose. Persons interested in donating toward the very large sums needed for the new clothing should obtain cashier's checks and/or money orders made payable to "JEB Stuart", then PM Mr. Stuart for routing and/or mailing instructions.
|9/11 Flight Trajectory Analysis||by Dingle - 09/11/02 - 17:34:21|
|I've been told repeatedly that I'm supposed to spend today reflecting and remembering, so I've been doing just that. Specifically, I've been reflecting on the trajectory of the airplanes as they hit the WTC, and how the rag-heads failed to maximize the potential of the attack.
Consider the following diagram:
It's fairly obvious where the sand niggers fucked up. The actual initial damage and mortality was minimized due to the trajectory of the impact. Secondary mortality was achieved by preventing people above the impact from escaping, and ultimately perishing in the collapse, however, the relatively high location of the impact minimized secondary mortality by allowing 70-90% of the occupants to escape before the collapse.
My proposal involves altering the trajectory and location of impact by nose-diving the airplanes towards the base of the building, as illustrated in fig. 1.1. Such an impact would not only dramatically increase the initial damage caused by the impact, but would also increase secondary mortality by 500-1500%.
In addition to the increased initial and secondary mortality, the TSIF mortality can potentially be boosted. TSIF mortality (The Sky Is Falling) is caused by falling buildings and debris. A low, angular hit would tend to cause the buildings to tip over rather than collapse straight down. The result would increase the TSIF range to many city blocks, rather than the area immediately surrounding the buildings. Obviously, this would be a bonus.
In conclusion, I feel the camel jockeys executed the attack extremely poorly, and if implemented my proposal would yield an estimated mortality bonus of 20,000-60,000 lives.
|elderly man reported lost in space||by J E B Stuart - 09/06/02 - 01:58:40|
(ROOTERS - Djibouti) -- Though details are sketchy at this time, reliable Asylumnation sources report that an American resthome resident may be lost in space. It has been confirmed that Herkimer Eugene McGinty of the Evening Shade facility in Winslow, Arizona wandered away from the facility one evening shortly after having been returned by local deputies on the heels of his previous incarceration for various vagrancy and outraging public decency charges. Mr. McGinty was seen a couple of days later boarding a cargo ship in Houston, Texas destined for various stops in the Indian Ocean and the Red Sea. The ship captain, speaking on condition of anonymity, advised that McGinty was forcibly removed from the vessel at the port in Djibouti, capitol of the Republic of Djibouti, "for the good of the ship".
Djibout affiliates have verified that McGinty, who goes by various names such as "jackass" and "wonderaz", somehow made his way into the headquarters of Djibouti's fledgling space program. A chimpanzee launch was scheduled four days ago, but the animal was found in a coma in its cage, together with a partially unclothed McGinty who was lounging on the floor, smoking a cigarette.
Upon finding the chimpanzee unresponsive, the employee in charge of boarding the animal on the rocket apparently panicked when faced with the prospect of the mission being aborted and bribed McGinty with 500 Djibout francs (approximately $3.00 U.S.) to board the rocket. While the launch was successful, radio contact was lost 12 hours later and technicians have been unable to restore it.
Inquiries to the U.S. Embassy have generated a successive string of "no comment" responses.
|minnesota man hospitalized; now missing ||by J E B Stuart - 08/24/02 - 02:55:32|
(ROOTERS - Deer Lick, KY) -- A Minnesota fugitive wanted on numerous local, state and federal warrants slipped past armed police guards early Friday morning while in a hospital at an undisclosed Kentucky location. Anonymous sources say that Roberto Quincy "dingle" Johnsonstein, III was hospitalized after emergency room workers witnessed him being shoved from the back of an older Ford Econoline van by unknown men and women yelling and cursing in Spanish. Witnesses failed to get the tag number of the van, but said it had a large airbrush mural of Michael Jackson with "Love Machine" written in bold, hot pink script.
Initially incomprehensible and profusely incontinent, additional ER workers were summoned to subdue Johnsonstein, who reportedly kept his distance from those first on the scene by moon-walking in circles and wildly slinging a soiled canvas bag. Once inside the waiting room, sedation was administered. Despite the sedation, however, restraints were applied when he began frantically screaming, "Guano! Guano! Guano!" while struggling to crawl under the gurney.
When the belongings in his bag were searched in an effort to obtain identification, a hand-written journal was discovered. Authorities were notified shortly thereafter when an alert employee came across information in the journal alluding to several warrants for Johnsontein's arrest.
Asylumnation reporters have acquired an exclusive copy of the journal, together with a roll of film, which has been developed. Though the journal entries are largely unintelligible and possibly in some sort of code, it appears that Johnsonstein and another unidentified man had been consuming malt liquor around the clock for a few days. At some point in the bender, and perhaps acting upon a dare, they embarked upon an expedition to explore "Puffy". Judging from the descriptions provided in the journal, Puffy is apparently a large, wild cavern of unknown location, with vast deposits of guano. The photograph shown here is apparently of Johnsonstein descending into the entrance of Puffy.
It is unknown at this time how Johnsonstein escaped, but an inquiry is under way.
|man claims alien probe record; seeks licensing||by J E B Stuart - 08/10/02 - 15:18:19|
*Mr. Johnsonstein, shortly after his most recent alien rectal probe session*
(ROOTERS--St. Elmo, CO) Roberto Quincy Johnsonstein, III, a/ka in cyber-circles as "dingle", for the past several years has claimed to have been abucted on a weekly basis by aliens and religiously subjected to repeated vigorous rectal probing. A crack team of Asylumnation reporters found him shortly after his return from yet another alleged abduction. Though appearing spent and exhausted, Johnsonstein was curiously spry and refreshed in his manner and speech. The reporters did turn down his repeated offers to personally demonstrate what he referred to as the "alien gift".
Speaking from a secret location due to outstanding warrants on pending charges, all of which he impatiently waives off as "trumped up", Mr. Johnsonstein again became very animated when the subject turned back to his experiences with the "space folk", as he sometimes referred to them. "I'm telling you, I can set my watch by it! When it's time, I usually have a sack of Cheetos for them because those little bastards LOVE Cheetos, and I usually bring a quart of malt liquor. Fact is, I'm on a first name basis with several of the little green buggers!"
When it was pointed out that the scenarios described by him hardly sounded like he was being abducted, Johnsonstein accused the team of being spies from the NSA and threatened to terminate the interview. After a few minutes, however, he accepted the peace offering of a warm six pack of Old Milwaukee and continued, "I can probably verify over 120 separate abduction and probing incidents, although there's no question in my mind that I have endured several hundred. The thing is, the public tends to view of these things with great apprehension. And don't get me wrong . . . they are awful. Just horrible. But, I have a scientific mind, you know, and I've managed to maintain my objectivity and rise above the trauma."
When pressed for details regarding the licensing rumours, Johnsonstein advised he had a "crack team of lawyers" working on it and, hence, could not reveal specifics. He did say, however, that renewed sexual vigor was chief among several benefits he has received from his alien contact. "If my experiences are any indication, I should be able to make Viagra obsolete."
|citation issued against minnesota man||by J E B Stuart - 07/25/02 - 00:57:50|
|(ROOTERS--Pawtucket, R.I.) A citation to cease and desist was issued this morning by Federal Magistrate Joseph T. Jablowski, District Court of Rhode Island against a shadowy Minnesota man. Known in various cyber-circles as "dingle", his legal name is Roberto Quincy Johnsonstein, III. Authorities have requested that anyone with information as to his whereabouts contact the closest Federal Marshall's office.
Johnsonstein is alleged to have been attempting to market turds as toys under the name of "Mr. Pootato Head". Hasbro, Inc., owner of the famous "Mr. Potato Head" initiated the action after numerous complaints surfaced from various individuals and consumer groups. Last Saturday, acting upon an anonymous tip, the Sheriff's office in Milwaukee seized several Mr. Pootatos scattered about a clandestine factory situated in an old lavatory in the basement of an abandoned warehouse.
"I am simply amazed that anyone would have the gaul to sell his poop as toys. No. I take that back. I am DISGUSTED, that's what I am," said Ned Durphey of the Sheriff's toxic waste disposal unit. "It's just sick, that's what it is. Sick.", he continued.
The contraband was still warm when seized early Saturday.
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