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New Forum Software!by MstrG - 08/22/01 - 14:39:44
Beginning shortly, the Dingleator3000 will begin the process of moving the existing forums to our new vbulletin software. During that time, any posts made to the existing forums would not be carried over during conversion. For that reason, we've opened up the new BB here, and will turn off posting on TLF shortly. New registrations have been stopped on the current UBB.
Maine men under investigationby J E B Stuart - 08/20/01 - 09:14:01
BANGOR -- A disagreement which led to fisticuffs in the street resulted in a cease and desist order issued against two former business partners. Neither carried identification, but one man referred to himself as "Saint Paint" and the other as "Friar Fiend".

Apparently, the two men had been operating a car wash beside Smokey's Tavern with an unusual twist -- they offered free baptisms with each car wash. At ten dollars a pop, witnesses said the man called Saint Paint would appear in a white robe, intoning, "Father, Son 'n' Holy Ghost, wash this sinner with this hose!" Thereupon, Friar Fiend would proceed to douse the occupants of the vehicle with a garden hose.

Presently held on Public Drunk charges, the men's disagreement apparently began over possession of a bottle of tequila. Maine's Consumer Fraud Unit issued the cease and desist order after numerous complaints surfaced, primarily from patrons of the adjacent tavern accusing the men of plastering their vehicles with mud while inside obtaining refreshment.

Crap circles baffle authoritiesby J E B Stuart - 08/18/01 - 23:56:22
SLEEPY EYE -- Minnesota authorities have been busy analyzing "crap circles" that have proliferated in recent weeks on various football fields and baseball diamonds throughout the state. Marked by their puzzling and intricate geometric designs, scientists are also at a loss to explain the sheer volume of fecal matter used in the creations.

State investigators are presently running down leads that may tie the crap circles to the "The Mad Scatter", a vagrant who goes by "Dingle Van Winkle". Mr. Van Winkle has been sighted in the vicinity of several of the crap circles, along with another man who has been identified from police photo-files as Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty.

Anyone with information on the whereabouts of either of these men should contact authorities at once. McGinty has several warrants outstanding from Arizona and is reputedly unpredictable and overly self-medicated.

Serial crapper still at largeby J E B Stuart - 08/18/01 - 01:36:33
LA SUEUR -- Minnesota State Police tightened a dragnet in a 5-square mile area east of hiway 169 outside of La Sueur, seeking to apprehend a man dubbed by the media as "The Mad Scatter". The suspect has been tentatively identified as Dingle Van Winkle, a vagrant arrested a few days ago while disrupting church revival services in Coon Rapids.

The Mad Scatter is tied to several incidents of aggressive projectile bowel movement attacks, most of which have been from various overpasses crossing major highways throughout the state. In nearly every instance, his victims have been driving either Kia or Hyundai vehicles. The one exception was a nun pedaling a bicycle on the shoulder of Highway 10 near Good Thunder.

Asylum administrator in filmby J E B Stuart - 08/16/01 - 01:41:27
There will be a casting call next month in AsylumNation for Mad Dog Ghee a/k/a MstrG's new production in a joint venture with Dreamworks. Anticipation is high among industry insiders after word of successful negotiations for his script leaked out last month. Filming for "Blazing Paddles" is expected to begin in late October, or early November.

All interested women submitting portfolios must include a minimum of twelve full nude glossy photos. Special preference will be extended to those with an ample ass.

Rest Home Resident Arrestedby J E B Stuart - 08/13/01 - 12:23:58
WINSLOW -- Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty, a long time resident of Evening Shade Rest Home, was arrested late yesterday evening while standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona. For several hours preceding his apprehension, Mr. McGinty was reportedly haranguing and harassing passerbys, mostly women and small children.

"We were absolutely terrified!" said one woman who requested anonymity. "I mean, imagine trying to explain to your young children why that man - that abomination - would be standing out there in front of God and everyone, wearing a red brassiere! And that syringe in his head and that nasty drooling! It made me sick!"

When authorities closed in, Mr. McGinty attempted to flee on a Cushman Eagle motor scooter, but lost control and crashed through the front window of The Christian Science Reading Room. As he was restrained and carried away, he kept screaming, "By the way, did I tell you I now have cable?!"

Informed sources indicate a decision on charges will be made after completion of psychological testing.

Minnesota vagrant arrested inside churchby J E B Stuart - 08/11/01 - 13:16:33
COON RAPIDS -- Late this morning, County deputies arrested a man inside the Full Gospel Pentecostal Holiness Church on 7th Ave. Nearly naked by the time authorities arrived, the man carried no identification but repeatedly insisted his name was "Dingle Van Winkle".

An anonymous source from the 911 dispatcher's office revealed a call complaining of a man repeatedly disrupting week-long marathon revival services with strange and bizarre outbursts, including yodeling with a lisp during singing of hymns and exchanging discount coupons for cash when the offering was being given.

The congregation and minister had attempted to resolve the situation in house the past few days, but the last straw apparently came during the Lord's Supper. Mr. "Van Winkle" is alleged to have seized and guzzled the sacramental wine, raced to the balcony, then hung his posterior over the railing and expelled copious amounts of feces on several members of the congregation as they looked up from below.

Charges are pending.

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