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The Asylum  > Columns > Old Farts > Justice prevails once again...

Justice prevails once again... By Wonderaz & JEB Stuart - 02/13/01 - 00:00:00
Rarely does either one of us have to face the wicked jurisprudential whims of his honor without the other around either as a codefendant or as a character witness. For some reason, it usually works out for the best.

Now, I was just fixing to enter my plea of innocent for the trumped up charge of disturbing the peace, one of the most ignorant laws I have ever seen, when JEB, who had been nodding off on the bench behind us, let loose of the bag he was holding and when it hit the floor, the bottle inside broke with a loud BANG.

Clettis, our lawyer, being unusually fast on his feet, shouted, “He’s been SHOT!”, referring to no one in particular. The courtroom went into a panic with everyone running for the door, including JEB, Clettis, and yours truly.

Once outside, Clettis told us he was late for a poker game and would let us know if they were going to reschedule the trial although he was going to demand they drop the charges due to the pain and suffering we had already gone through with being shot at and all, but to lay low in the meantime.

So we jumped in JEB’s truck and took off, figuring that we should go find somewheres that we could calm down from our ordeal, a bar seeming the safest bet.

Keeping Clettis’ admonishment to lay low in mind, we headed out to Art’s Basshole. On the way out of town, JEB started in again on how he felt that Fred needed more exercise and wanted him to be let out to run alongside the truck at the city limits. Once again, I pointed out to him that Fred got more that enough exercise humping everyone and everything in his path and that it was a waste of time as the same thing happened every time we tried to run Fred.

After screaming at each other for a while, I pulled over and helped JEB drag Fred out of the cab, both of us winding up covered with dog slobber and bit all to hell.

We jumped in the truck and I took off, kicking up a cloud of dust as JEB hung out the window screaming for Fred to keep up. I continued to accelerate and JEB continued to hang out the window flailing and screaming like he has done every time we do this. I reached over and scratched Fred’s head when he stuck it through the back window as we both watched JEB carrying on. Ole JEB never does see Fred jump in the back of the truck, like he does every time we do this.

We figured that parking out back would be wise and were wondering how we were going to weasel a few drinks out of Art as we walked in the back when we spotted a tourist tossing a twenty on his table while he was trying to pick up on Sandie, Art’s cousin and part time bartender, who usually worked until Art sobered up enough to stagger from his trailer to the bar.

JEB elbowed me and winked. Swelling himself up like a toad, he ran into the room and hollered, “What the hell are you doin’ to ma WIFE!!! Where’s my gun!!”, and ran back out the rear door.

Now this tourist just froze until I yelled, “RUN!!! He just got outta prison for shooting the last guy that talked to his woman!!”. He was out the door and kicking up a rooster tail of dirt 30 feet high as he sped out of the parking lot, faster than I had seen a man run in my life.

I snagged up the twenty as JEB came back in and we proceeded to lower our blood pressure with a little of Art’s watered down whiskey while bedazzling young Sandie with the story of our day.

I am not sure how we wound up in Art’s big bass boat, 30 miles down river beached on a sandbar with Art and Sandie but that’s where I woke up.

When Art came to, he started yeowlin about it being that reprobate, JEB’s fault but lost his balance and fell out of the boat before he could explain why.

JEB took advantage of the sudden loss of weight in the boat and backed off the sandbar and headed back up to Art’s place, leaving Art on the sandbar yelling all sorts of profanities and death threats.

Sandie did understand our being a little uncomfortable about letting Art back in the boat in as much as he seemed to be acting unreasonably aggressive and said she would go back and fetch him up, once we got to the truck.

Art did manage to get revenge on JEB and I came to find out that he had damn good reason for it too, but that’s another story.


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