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The Asylum > News > The Political Season at Asylum

The Political Season at Asylum By Paint CHiPs - 02/16/04
Well, with the Wisconsin primary upon us and Super Tuesday rapidly approaching, it looks like we might have to say goodbye to Howard Dean, the evanescent "Madman of Montpelier" who spent his entire run for the nomination tearing off hands and eating babies.

He was an entertaining candidate, to say the least, and the race will be less unnerving without him. But fear not, puny mortals, for you haven’t yet seen the last of Howard Dean! And, if you’re in the mood for a bit of reminiscing for the days when the process of finding a Democrat nominee looked to tear off America’s head and shit down it’s neck, here is a remix of the Howard Dean campaign. So ride off into the sunset, Howard Dean, with your head held high. You made America proud. And pretty weirded out.

But we must soldier on! This is, after all, an election year, and while John Kerry looks to ride away with the Democratic nomination, with a Kennedy driving him over the final bridge to the convention, and George Bush is already busy siphoning social security into his massive ad campaign to get Americans to let him spend more money on his ad campaign to get Americans to let him spend more money, there is plenty more political punditry to be propagated. This is just the beginning! The pregnancy for the general election is only in its first trimester, and we can’t abort now, America!

Why, we have yet to get the full story on a young George Walker Bush, drunk out of his ever-lovin’ mind, sneaking onto Maxwell Air Force Base, stealing a T-38 Talon, and flying it to Canada, snorting coke through shredded bits of the Bill of Rights all the way. Or his impending political strategy, "Contract With the Devil For America".

Nor have we heard the last about John Kerry’s youthful exploits, such as the story, not yet picked up by the wires but all over internet rumor sites, of Kerry at a rally with Hanoi Jane Fonda, his intern at the time, in which, with a hail of pyrotechnics behind them, he tears off her brassiere as a protest to the Vietnam War, or feminism, or some damn thing.

And there’s international news to be had as well. Kim "Me So Horny" Jong-il still plans to join forces with Iran and invade Israel. Osama Bin Laden has yet to be found running his Cum N Blow in Queens. We haven’t yet carpet bombed Djibouti. The prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, has yet to liquidate his government in favor of the Berlusconi Dance Squad. Russia has an upcoming, ahem, election. And, in the coming months, look for Greg Dyke to pilot a tank through the walls of Parliament in England, while Lord Hutton shouts "Mr. Blair, tear down this network!"

So join us, for this season of domestic derangement, foreign fatuousness, election escapades, security shenanigans, and general govern-mental gobbledygook. We’ve got a happening little political forum right over yonder. Or, you can throw your thoughts on politics or anything else to the wolves in The Lost Forum. And, if politics isn’t your game at all, we’ve got plenty more cozy nooks in the internet crannies for you to check out.

Pull up a chair and stay awhile, stranger.

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and we feel fine.


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