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Posted by Dacarlo on 04-26-2005 01:29 PM:

Chilli Cookoff

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two
judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. He said "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge

#3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)that the chilli wouldn't be
all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." (Remember Judge # 3 is Frank!!)

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flamesout. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!


Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)


Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Ischilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.


Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue frombleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.


Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.


Judge # 3 I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.


Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge

# 3 passedout, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?

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Posted by mudded on 04-26-2005 02:15 PM:

I have stomach cramps from laughing that hard.
Thanks [p]
-m


Posted by rodney on 04-26-2005 06:17 PM:

... that wasn't funny in the slightest [p] of some sort, too bad there aren't negative humor points.

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Posted by Hawley Griffin on 04-26-2005 06:21 PM:

i didn't even smile

go kill your self dacarlo

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Posted by Aydin on 04-26-2005 06:22 PM:

So, they like it hot in Texas?
HA


Posted by loser on 04-26-2005 06:27 PM:

Tears of pain only.


Posted by aminal on 04-26-2005 09:43 PM:

You broke two of the internet rules:

Internet Rule #45 - No matter how funny you think something is, never, ever post it on the internet and say "If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!". Saying this at the beginning of whatever you post instantly destroys any amusement value that was in what it was you were about to post.

Internet Rule #2 - Dont copy and paste crap directly from your email inbox into whatever community message exchange device you frequent.


Dude, that crap you posted wasn't funny even before the initial comment at the top, which I'm sure wasn't written by you anyway. Having cancer would be more amusing that reading that - maybe it worked on a radio sketch show, or television or something - wherever it was used originally - but really its about as funny as 10 not very funny things.

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Posted by willimo on 04-27-2005 02:17 AM:

Boooo!!

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Hey carrot juice, I want to squeeze you away until you bleed.


Posted by mudded on 04-27-2005 09:13 AM:

I was very amused.

I even had chortles a couple of hours later. You guys really need to lighten the fuck up.

Cheers (wipes ass with ice cream cone)
-m


Posted by skalie on 04-27-2005 09:23 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by mudded
I even had chortles a couple of hours later.


Guess it has something to do with English being your first language or not.

Not quite sure what Dacarlo's first language is, grunting probably.


Posted by mudded on 04-27-2005 10:41 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by skalie
Guess it has something to do with English being your first language or not.



or perhaps it's a culture/stereotype thing.
I found it hilarious.

Cheers
-m


Posted by Goatboy on 04-27-2005 03:20 PM:

Can someone bold the funny parts for me so I know where to laugh next time?

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Arbeit Macht Frei


Posted by Smug Git on 04-27-2005 06:04 PM:

He already did.

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Posted by Dacarlo on 04-27-2005 09:50 PM:

Man some of you fuckers are so jaded.

I'm glad to have forced you to spend some of your time reading this and then more amused by yer need to write how unfunny ya found it. Im glad some people found it funny. Humor is subjective after all.

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Posted by Aydin on 04-27-2005 09:51 PM:

Shouldn't this be in the cooking forum?


Posted by Dacarlo on 04-27-2005 09:59 PM:

My plan was to bring to the fore, the still lacking cooking forum. But only the most cunning and keen minded intellect can spot such a Machiavelian plan!

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Posted by J E B Stuart on 04-28-2005 02:10 AM:

Thumbs up

quote:
Originally posted by Dacarlo
. . . Im glad some people found it funny. Humor is subjective after all.

Don't sweat it, ol' pal. Never gittin' any poontang has made 'em resentful, irritable 'n' cranky as hell. When I first read it six years ago, it was hilarious.

Amen.
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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by rodney on 04-28-2005 10:06 PM:

I think those who founds this funny lost something. Possibly a few things.

__________________

I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.


Posted by J E B Stuart on 04-29-2005 06:50 AM:

Thumbs up

quote:
Originally posted by rodney
I think those who founds this funny lost something. Possibly a few things.

Jeebus. Wish I could say sumpin' that edgy.

Amen.
__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by wonderaz on 04-29-2005 01:49 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by rodney
... that wasn't funny in the slightest [p] of some sort, too bad there aren't negative humor points.


There are negative humor points.
[-p]

Positive ones too.
[p] - Dacarlo
__________________

quote:
Originally posted by Coincidence
Wonder is right *gasp*.


Posted by Avondale on 04-30-2005 03:39 AM:

if i were you, Dacarlo, i'd find better email friends. your current ones apparently think you are stupid.

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yours goddamn fucking truly


Posted by Dacarlo on 04-30-2005 02:48 PM:

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Posted by Avondale on 04-30-2005 06:06 PM:

i don't get it

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yours goddamn fucking truly


Posted by rodney on 05-01-2005 10:53 PM:

wow, you can totally suck my sweaty asshole for that negative humor point, wonder.

__________________

I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.


Posted by J E B Stuart on 05-05-2005 12:09 AM:

Hey Dac! This oldie but goodie'll prob'ly make 'em lie down in the middle of a busy freeway, or break out in a rash, or sumpin':

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known . . . .

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


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