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Posted by Paint CHiPs on 12-14-2005 01:07 PM:

Asylum Dumbfuck Runoff: littlebill vs RiZZ

Well, the votes for the Sweet Sixteen have been counted, and all the matches have closed....except the very first one, #1 seed littlebill against #4 seed RiZZ. The final tally for that one? 30 to 30. Oh nos!

So, what we're going to do is a quick, one day only runoff poll, with just them. We'll probably get less than 60 votes--or maybe not--but hopefully with just the single day it'll be a different makeup, and maybe some people will have changed their minds. After all, there is some fresh material. littlebill has given us a fresh Hero and Asshole of the week, and cw was kind enough to link this picture of RiZZ (note: RiZZ is the white one).

It ultimately may not matter, of course. Whoever wins will have to face T in the next round--a suicide mission, most likely. But, we need a winner. So, all of you--share your opinions, memories, and cases for either littlebill or RiZZ. I'm just going to repost my commentary here, but all of you, make your cases, tell us who should win. And, 24 hours from now, hopefully we'll have a winner.

littlebill (1) vs. RiZZ (4)

Perennial favorite RiZZ against up-and-comer littlebill; the seasoned veteran versus the snot-nosed upstart. This first clash is a classic matchup of lack of wisdom vs. lack of experience and wisdom.

What can be said about RiZZ’s dumbfuckery that hasn’t already been written?


littlebill, on the other hand, is new to the competition. And though he’s only been around a year or so, and has less than 500 posts, the strength of his reputation for dumbfuckery is staggering. He arrived at the Asylum as a spammer, chucking around links to some shitty myspace site with naked Asians on it. To our misfortune, he decided to stick around, primarily posting naked Asians in whatever thread he happened to come across, and occasionally making the easy segue from fetish porn to political commentary--always a match sure to incite reasonable discourse and enlightened critique.

But his reputation was cemented with the unsolicited implementation of his trademark threads--the Heroes and Assholes of the Week, which he writes at some other forum and posts here like every three months. Now, I’ve always had the impression that littlebill is just a straight right-wing whackjob nutfuck with a penchant for slopes, but looking over his old Hero and Asshole threads, you come to realize that littlebill’s ideology isn’t “left” or “right“, per se. It exists more on the continuum between “stupid” and “crazy“, with a little “weirdly obscure” thrown in for good measure.

For instance:

Hero: Mayor Ray Nagin and Sheriff Harry Lee
Asshole: Mother Nature.

Fair enough. A little further back:

Hero of the week: Law enforcement.

Asshole: Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London

Hrm. I guess I could make some sense of that...

Asshole: Wal Mart

Hero: Michael Moore

A liberal?

Hero: President Bush, the greatest American president.

Asshole: The Elite Fucking Liberal Media!


Hero: Howard Dean

Asshole: Paul Howard, the district attorney of Fulton Country in the great state of Georgia

Just a sec....

Hero: Pope John Paul II

Asshole: Michael Schiavo

Asshole: Jane Fonda
Asshole: Stupid Fucking Pacificts!
Asshole: Ward Churchill


Asshole of the Week: Harry Belafonte

Hero: Aleksandre Solzhenitsyn

Wait, what?

Hero: Coors Lite

Asshole: Jerry Springer

See if you can make heads or tails of any of that.

On a final note, can anybody who fled Hurricane Katrina and then gave us this beaut (title: Fucking Black Bastards!) be unworthy of your vote? Think it over.

Alright, for the sake of fully representing RiZZ, I’ll add some comments I made about him from last year’s Dumbfuck tournament, where RiZZ went all the way to the final four only to lose to Azrael by a single vote:


There is a common misconception repeated by such Virginian trailer trash as Vyper and karen that RiZZ isn’t ACTUALLY stupid. “No,” they say. “Everything he ever says or does is stupid, but RiZZ is actually a real smart guy. Crazy, maybe, but not stupid.” That’s horseshit. The phrase “stupid is as stupid does” was invented for RiZZ.

RiZZ has been training for this match all his life. Whether it was weed or just faulty genes, RiZZ has strolled through life entirely absent of motivation of ambition. Which is probably for the best, as what RiZZ lacks in motivation, he makes up for in his lack of skill or education. This is a man who got fired from his job standing on street corners wearing a sandwitch board. I'm not even making that up.

It’s not just his professional career that reeks of a man at the top of his dumb fuck game. Nor is it the fact that he spends most of his life calling other people’s couches home. Or, even his oft-maligned love life, which I won’t even bother getting into (man meets girl over internet, man falls in love with girl over internet, man moves to England and gets married, man shortly thereafter gets a bad case of blue balls and deportation). Here is a perfect example that completely sums up RiZZ.

Sitting at home one day, RiZZ decided it would be smart to make a homemade tattoo gun, hand it to a friend who had never done a tattoo before, and with some fabric paint, tattoo a glow-in-the-dark dragon on his arm. RiZZ is also a man I have personally witnessed smoke altoids before, intrigued by their motto and wanting to find out for himself. This sort of behavior is all part-and-parcel for RiZZ.

So, there you have it. RiZZ is the proven finisher, but the higher seed. littlebill is the green upstart....but Coors Lite?

Posted by SatansLeftHand on 12-14-2005 01:11 PM:

rizz is fucked in the head.
bill is actually fucking stupid.
guess who wins?



Posted by Paint CHiPs on 12-14-2005 01:13 PM:

Also, since we're making public cases here, maybe account for your vote.

I voted for littlebill. Technically, I would guess littlebill were smarter--or at least, by most current testing methods, would be counted as smarter. But RiZZ's dumbfuckery tends towards the harmless, playful. littlebill's, on the other hand, is just smart enough to be vaguely dangerous. It's like the difference between Roger Clinton and George W. Bush. Besides, I count as maybe the #1 dumbfuck trait possible a total misplaced self-assuredness and inflexibility of thought, which RiZZ lacks and littlebill has in spades.

So, littlebill gets my vote.

Posted by SatansLeftHand on 12-14-2005 01:16 PM:

i have to admit, though. glow-in-the-dark fabric paint mixed with tattoo ink was not very bright. rizz should also avoid electromagnets of any power.



Posted by Paint CHiPs on 12-14-2005 01:18 PM:

Yeah, that was pretty stupid. The whole slappy thing was stupid too, but who can blame him really. That's more a case for slappy than for him.

Posted by voncrud on 12-14-2005 02:52 PM:

In RiZZ's defense though, he is smart enough to somehow con (because of his many fetishes?) his way into the panties of all sorts of famous asylum women. *cough*


Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization. - Marquis De Sade

Posted by Rokkr on 12-14-2005 03:02 PM:

I voted for RiZZ. Honestly, I think littlebill is more stupid, but cw's a RiZZ supporter.


Admin Qualified

Posted by aminal on 12-14-2005 03:16 PM:

I voted for RiZZ because he tries harder, and effort should count for something.


Turn sigs off

Posted by Trenchant_Troll on 12-14-2005 03:22 PM:

rIzz all the way.


I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

Posted by Talarohk on 12-14-2005 03:28 PM:

I think we should call supporters of the two candidates "Billians" and "RiZZoids".


Posted by SimpleSimon on 12-14-2005 03:36 PM:

On that note, I'm a rIzzOID.

I've met Rizz. Personable guy, funny as hell, and completely and totally divorced from the consensual reality that defines our common social milieu. Not because he cannot perceive it - oh no, not for any such mundane reason - but because the dumbfuck disdains it. That in itself is not the problem, though - disdaining it, he bemoans the failure of it to reward his talents (?!?).

Posted by loser on 12-14-2005 03:46 PM:

Somebody tell the RiZZ/Slappy story, please.

Posted by skalie on 12-14-2005 03:56 PM:

Run a search on "blue balls".

Posted by dogcow on 12-14-2005 06:10 PM:

can't find it


"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." ~ Castaneda

Posted by Goatboy on 12-14-2005 06:49 PM:

Something like: RiZZ sexes slappy up over internet, slappy falls for his smooth patter. RiZZ flies to blighty and does all sorts of nasty things to her, then proceeds to do all sorts of nasty things to us, via webcam. Slappy, a cock junky at the best of times, wants more. RiZZ is entrapped by her web of deceit and agrees to marry her in order to stay in country. Get Married (RiZZ is given away by czech no less). Evil Slappy soon tires of her plaything, and finds vaginal sustenance elsewhere, leaving RiZZ on the streets to earn his keep. Poor RiZZ, in a strange country and not speaking the language is unable to find work, and is soon ejected from the very home that he made and kept for her, leading promptly to his expulsion from the country he took as his own with divorce papers fluttering in his wake.

A RiZZ is for life, not just for Christmas.

edit: for pizazz!


Arbeit Macht Frei

Posted by loser on 12-14-2005 06:51 PM:

That is the most beautiful story I have ever read.
God bless us everyone!

Posted by Goatboy on 12-14-2005 06:53 PM:

I voted for RiZZ, for being fool enough to trust a woman.


Arbeit Macht Frei

Posted by slappy on 12-14-2005 07:00 PM:

RiZZ and slappy chat on teh internerd. RiZZ and slappy decide they want to be together. slappy goes to America to stay with RiZZ and MadLucas for a holiday. RiZZ and slappy decide that getting married is the only way to be together. RiZZ comes to the UK, they get married, things start off great, they get a flat together once they are both earning similar amounts of money. RiZZ decides he doesn't like his job, so walks out one day, leaving slappy to earn all the money while he downloads movies/pron and makes a mess of the place and goes out and gets drunk and uses the money she has given him to buy food to buy cookies and tobacco instead. slappy gets pissed off. After trying everything she could think of to save the relastionship, she reaches the end of her tether and buys RiZZ a ticket back to America. Then she realises that the relationship has gone way past the point of no return and they both get on with their respective lives apart.

I voted for RiZZ, by the way, because he wouldn't see a good opportunity if it came up and slapped him in the face, several times.

Posted by slappy on 12-14-2005 07:02 PM:

Goatboy tells it better than I do, although he does tend to embellish on the truth.

Posted by Goatboy on 12-14-2005 07:04 PM:



Arbeit Macht Frei

Posted by dogcow on 12-14-2005 07:05 PM:

goatboy's version was so much better.


"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." ~ Castaneda

Posted by slappy on 12-14-2005 07:08 PM:

Originally posted by dogcow
goatboy's version was so much better.

I know. But slightly untrue.

Posted by loser on 12-14-2005 07:10 PM:

truth sucks.

Posted by dogcow on 12-14-2005 07:10 PM:

what i really want to hear is rizz's version.


"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." ~ Castaneda

Posted by loser on 12-14-2005 07:12 PM:

take goatboy's, and misspell 75% of the words.

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