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Posted by Carl Johnson on 07-06-2005 10:47 PM:

http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4127

By Bruce Heffernan

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife—even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.


Posted by CHiPsJr on 07-06-2005 10:48 PM:

It is customary to attribute quotes to their authors, particularly when you choose a source as widely read as The Onion.


Posted by J E B Stuart on 07-06-2005 11:33 PM:

Well, Chips, Jr., the real story was written by me and later adulterated by one o' them thievin' Onion scalliwags. For the record, here it is:

"Why Do All These Wimmin Keep Suckin' My Willie?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these wimmin. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of 'em approaches me and starts to suckin' my Willie.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this gal in the local Jack-In-The-Box. Nothin' sissy, just a couple o' folks talkin' about their workday routines while enjoying a nice hot sammich. The gal looked like a real classy broad, too—big tits, meaty thighs, full breasts. She didn't seem the least bit skanky. At least, not until she started sucking my Willie, that is.

Where does this wretched hussy git the nerve to suck my Willie? Did I look easy to her? Was I wearing a come-hither-and-suck-my-Willie look on my face without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my Willie" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Wimmin, Suck My Willie."

I've got nothing against loose wimmin. Let them be free to do their ho thang in peace, I say. But when they start suckin' my Willile, I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a big-titted, blond-haired gal in her early 30s. She seemed decent enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, she's suckin' my Willie!

What is it with these wimmin? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough Johnsons out there for them to suck on without them having to target real Willies like mine?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my Willie sucked by some hussy. But try telling that to the gal at Sunday School. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other wimmin who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my Willie, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a woman is suckin' your Willie, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this floozy ever get the idea that I was willing? And where did she get those fantastic tits?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a gal passes me on the street, I'm afraid she's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my Willie. I've even started to visualize these repulsive Willie-suckin' episodes during the healthy, marital relations I enjoy with my wife—even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-broadcast back-room tryst with Connie Chung that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be men trying to suck my Willie, which would be awful and would make me feel tremendously guilt of murder. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these wimmin mistake me for a meatstick who wants his Willie sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those wimmin off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my Willie, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, tits, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these tramps?

I swear, if these wimmin don't take a hint and quit sucking my Willile all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my Willie all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that."

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by Dingle on 07-06-2005 11:59 PM:

Isn't the real question "Why do you keep putting your cock in the mouths of homosexuals?" ?

This is the edgiest thread evah.

__________________

Idle hands spend time at the genitals.


Posted by Thimbles worth of opinion on 07-07-2005 05:38 AM:

The real question is "If a cock is smoked in the forest, does it make a sound?"

__________________

My nipples are asymetrical... and that's a feature not a bug.


Posted by Thimbles worth of opinion on 07-07-2005 05:39 AM:

How much cock can a cock smoker smoke if a cock smoker couldn't smoke cock?

A little diddy to teach the kids.

__________________

My nipples are asymetrical... and that's a feature not a bug.


Posted by Trenchant_Troll on 07-07-2005 05:41 AM:

You are Canadian, you must know.

__________________

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.


Posted by Thimbles worth of opinion on 07-07-2005 05:44 AM:

No one said the best lap dancers in Montreal were female.

__________________

My nipples are asymetrical... and that's a feature not a bug.


Posted by Trenchant_Troll on 07-07-2005 05:45 AM:

No one asked.

__________________

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.


Posted by Thimbles worth of opinion on 07-07-2005 05:48 AM:

Just doing my part for tourism.

__________________

My nipples are asymetrical... and that's a feature not a bug.


Posted by Trenchant_Troll on 07-07-2005 05:50 AM:

You almost have worth.

__________________

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.


Posted by J E B Stuart on 01-14-2018 03:28 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by Carl Johnson
http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4127

By Bruce Heffernan

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my. cock. ...


Happy Birthday, Carl. Are you still having that problem? We figured you were reaching out; that it was a cry for help. Sorry if we let you down in your time of need. It’s been a while, but better late than never, eh? Just say the word and Herk’ll point Loretta in your direction.

Amen.
__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by GoFuckYourselves! on 01-14-2018 04:15 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by J E B Stuart
Just say the word and Herk’ll point Loretta in your direction.


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Posted by J E B Stuart on 01-14-2018 09:41 PM:

Looks dangerous, Herk. Is that the stinky finger?

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by J E B Stuart on 01-15-2018 01:21 AM:

i still have the same problem with wimmin at the rest home. But, I have learned to live with it. I mean, it’s a public service, considering the need is obviously so great.

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by GoFuckYourselves! on 01-15-2018 06:57 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by J E B Stuart
Looks dangerous, Herk. Is that the stinky finger?

Amen.


I washed it

I even used soap.
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Posted by J E B Stuart on 01-17-2018 01:34 AM:

I’m tired. Bumping this thread took almost every spare ounce of energy I had. Must rest. Recharge my batteries. Chat with George.

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by GoFuckYourselves! on 01-17-2018 04:12 AM:

George told me not to bother him.

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Posted by J E B Stuart on 01-17-2018 05:25 AM:

That wasn’t George. He’d never do that. I suspect you were talking to Hiram.

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by GoFuckYourselves! on 01-17-2018 05:41 AM:

After George told me not to bother him, I did call Hiram, and Hiram told me to go fuck myself!

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Posted by J E B Stuart on 01-18-2018 06:37 AM:

Hiram’s one of those homosexuals Heffernan complained of so vigorously.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by J E B Stuart on 01-27-2018 10:21 PM:

Then, there was that thread Jeitarium authored a few years wherein he appeared to be struggling to muster up the courage to give the green light to the gay chap who he said was pressing him to sing into his trouser-mike.

Heffernan’s story could be called “Jetarium’s Struggles”.

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by J E B Stuart on 02-03-2018 04:18 AM:

The thing that Heffernan tap dances around is: Why does he conclude that all those dudes are homosexual just because they chomp his choad? Talk about jumping to hasty conclusions.

Shame on you, Heffernan. Shame.

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


Posted by GoFuckYourselves! on 02-04-2018 01:54 AM:

I refuse to have anything to do with Heffernan, after I discovered a gerbil in his toilet bowl!

What a disgusting creature... and I'm not talking about the gerbil!

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Posted by J E B Stuart on 02-04-2018 04:39 PM:

Eh, I’m pretty sure “Bruce Heffernan” is an alias. I have it on good authority Heffernan is actually none other than Andrew “Kiki” Farnum IRL.

Amen.

__________________

" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman


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