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Posted by dogcow on 07-15-2005 03:41 PM:

Philosopher Jokes

The First Law of Philosophy

For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy

They're both wrong.

* * * * * * *

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

* * * * * * *

Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"

* * * * * * *

If you put two philosophers in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Eddy Zemach, in which case you get seven opinions. (Apologies to Winston Churchill)

* * * * * * *

These jokes posted with the permission of Pasi Kueppameki.




Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

* * * * * * *

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

* * * * * * *

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

The three above jokes were contributed by Owen Herring.
He attributes the third to Elliot Sober.

* * * * * * *

Question: What do you get when you cross an aesthete with a phenomenologist?
Answer: An interior daseiner.

Jeffrey Glick

* * * * * * *

Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.

Elizabeth Hoppe

* * * * * * *

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
William Knorpp

* * * * * * *


A man does a good deed and as a reward his guardian angel appears and offers him the answer to any question he wishes to ask. But she says to take his time and she will return in two days. Well the man immediately realized he could become very rich: Which stock will go up the most over the next five years? Which horse will win the Kentucky Derby? Who will win the next Superbowl? etc. But then he thought, why waste this chance of a lifetime on money? After all, money is only a means to happiness. With the right question he can determine the secret of happiness itself! But the more he
thought about it, the more he worried about tricks the angel might play: for example, suppose he asked, "What will make me the happiest man in the universe?" And she answered, "Go live on planet Rigel III" - perhaps true, but perfectly useless.

So our careful questioner decided to take this problem to the nearest philosophy department for assistance. He put the problem to the chair. The chair loved the challenge and as it happens, they were having a departmental meeting that evening anyway, so he told the man to return the next day. When the man returned, the chair beamed and informed him that the department put its best minds together and came up with the best possible question to ask the angel - and naturally he told the man the question to ask.

The next day the angel appeared and asked, "Well, do you have a question for me?" "Yes," the man replied with a great deal of confidence in his voice. "What are the members of the following ordered pair: the first member of the pair is the best possible question I could ask you, and the second member of the pair is the answer to that question?" The angel smiled and said, "You know, you couldn't have asked me a better question. In fact the first member of the pair IS the question you just asked. But that means the second member is the answer I'm giving you now."

* * * * * * *

A philosopher falls asleep and dreams. In his dream, one by one, the greatest philosophers of all time stand before him and systematically state their views and arguments: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Hume, Descartes, etc. But in each case the philosopher, dramatically pointing his finger at the presenter, was able to come up with a devastating objection that left the presenting philosopher speechless and unable to effectively reply. In fact, the philosopher realized it was the same objection in every case - he had found the perfect philosophical move to make in conferences and colloquia. He forced himself to wake up and write the objection down on a convenient slip of paper, then, he drifted dreamily back to sleep with a smile on his face. When he awoke the next morning he read the words, ....

"THATıS WHAT YOU SAY!"


more here

__________________

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." ~ Castaneda


Posted by Jeitarium on 07-15-2005 06:07 PM:

haha ever try philosophy on a date? It won't get you laid but it will help you know if you could ever marry this woman.


Posted by skalie on 07-15-2005 06:10 PM:

To err is human, to moo, bovine.


Posted by memdink on 07-15-2005 06:45 PM:

Ha! That's what you say!


Posted by philjit on 07-15-2005 10:44 PM:

Re: Philosopher Jokes

man... I earn $80K a year and I have a degree in Politics and Philoophy... bang goes that joke then!


Posted by SimpleSimon on 07-15-2005 10:50 PM:

Re: Re: Philosopher Jokes

quote:
Originally posted by philjit
man... I earn $80K a year and I have a degree in Politics and Philoophy... bang goes that joke then!


Not practicing philosophy as your trade, I'd bet.


Posted by philjit on 07-15-2005 11:00 PM:

Re: Re: Re: Philosopher Jokes

quote:
Originally posted by SimpleSimon
Not practicing philosophy as your trade, I'd bet.


I practice philosophy as my trade every day. Wihtout it I would not be in the position I am in now. I'm a UNIX System Administrator... I troubleshoot computers for a living... philoophy is the foundation fo that troubleshooting.. not cpmputer science. You don't need computer science if you have Descartes, Hume, Wittengenstien and Popper.


Posted by SimpleSimon on 07-15-2005 11:03 PM:

Right. Whats that job title again?


Posted by philjit on 07-15-2005 11:04 PM:

UNIX Systems Administrator.. as I said.. I have no computing degree.... I do have Descartes, Hume, Wittengenstien and Popper; who [all in one way or another] taught me how to think analytically. The very notion that philosopgy is a useless subject is one espoused by people who have little too no understanding of it's importance.


Posted by SimpleSimon on 07-15-2005 11:06 PM:

Applied Logic, in other words. Such skills come from many sources.


Posted by philjit on 07-15-2005 11:11 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by SimpleSimon
Applied Logic, in other words. Such skills come from many sources.


Quite correct. Sources all of which stemmed from the work of philsophers who put it the idea on paper in the first place. As I said, the notion that philosophy is a useless subject is one espoused by people who have little too no understanding of its importance. Thank you for proving my point.


Posted by Paint CHiPs on 07-15-2005 11:14 PM:

Funny, I've known a lot of people great at applied logic and analytical thinking that have no background whatsoever in philosophy. I never knew they were idiot savants before.


Posted by SimpleSimon on 07-15-2005 11:18 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by Paint CHiPs
Funny, I've known a lot of people great at applied logic and analytical thinking that have no background whatsoever in philosophy. I never knew they were idiot savants before.


Point for you. [P]

Lest I forget. One for philjit as well. [P]


Posted by philjit on 07-15-2005 11:20 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by Paint CHiPs
Funny, I've known a lot of people great at applied logic and analytical thinking that have no background whatsoever in philosophy.


you don't need a background in philosophy to apply the ideas of philosopher's in one's thinking. Do you honestly think that the likes of Descartes or Kant's idea existed in a vacuum? No. They were consumed by the society of the day and normalised into everyday thought. Without the philosophers of the past the "it's obvious for christ sake!" attitude of the present would not exist... well unless you're a mindlessly arrogant tit that thought he was the first person to come up with Descartian rationalism.

My point remains that the notion that philosophy is a useless subject is one espoused by people who have little too no understanding of it's importance. Something which I hasten to add has yet to be disputed.


Posted by philjit on 07-15-2005 11:25 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by Paint CHiPs
I never knew they were idiot savants before.


oh how quaintly droll why! I expected a one legged dawrf to hop past whilst a cymbal was smashed I truly did!


Posted by loser on 07-15-2005 11:30 PM:

Can a one legged dwarf smash a cymbol whilst hopping?


Posted by dogcow on 07-16-2005 12:47 AM:

so, which philosopher was it that invented logical thinking?

__________________

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." ~ Castaneda


Posted by wonderaz on 07-16-2005 02:15 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by loser
Can a one legged dwarf smash a cymbol whilst hopping?


Smash a cymbal with what?
__________________

quote:
Originally posted by Coincidence
Wonder is right *gasp*.


Posted by Roshigoth on 07-16-2005 02:23 AM:

The lion that ate his other leg.

__________________


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