Umm, Joeycat? I got to thinkin' about that litter o' puppies, puppitties...whatever, that your cat Joey just had. Something just wasn't adding up. I think I've finally figured out what it is--Fred isn't the culprit.
During the period of conception, Fred was in obedience school (yes, he flunked out a month later, but that's beside the point). If you will think back hard enough, you should recall that was the same time that jackass Wonderaz house-sit for you while you went on that 4-week canoe trip up the Amazon.
I didn't think anything of it at the time, because you never know for sure whether that jackass is telling the truth or hallucinating. Anyway, when you returned from your trip, ol' Wonderaz came struttin' into the rest home like he'd won the lottery, or sumpin'. I finally asked him what the deal was. With a twinkle in his eye, he gave his crotch a squeeze, then said in a voice for all to hear, "While you've been sittin' here pickin' your nose, I've been nailin' that pussy night 'n' day fer four weeks straight!"
Naturally, I pressed him for details, but he just gave me the knowing wink and glance, beeped his cods again, then strutted off like a goddamn rooster. He hasn't shut his damn mouth since, constantly braggin' about all that "pussy" he nailed.
Methinks you have a litter of ass-bred wonderkitties--truly an abomination. I'd call a witchdoctor, if I were you. Amen.
HORSESHIT!!!! You know damned good and well that I was bagging that widow and her sister across the street from Joey. I even showed you the pics of them I took during that laundry room free-for-all we had.
That damn fuckhound flunked out of Obedience School for constantly escaping and running over to Joey's! Hell, he was shagging everthing that moved on his forays. There is going to be a whole trail of Fredlets popping up over that 3 mile run in the next few weeks and you are just trying to divert the blame away from your precious flea factory and put it on me. We are talking pupitties, pupponies, puplambies, pupazaleas, pupnuns, pupbeetles... Man you are going to be facing the largest class action pupternity suit in the history of the world!!!!
Oh, JEB the twins said Hi by the way, apparently they stopped by the rest home the other day when I was out (broke down as usual in you piece of shit pickup which I wish you would trade in so I could borrow something that runs for a change) and asked to see you but you were in "time out" for getting drunk and pissing in the lobby fish tank again.
Ok, fair warning. Tomorrow morning at 9 I have an appointment at the city DNA lab. I'm having the err babies tested. If you should happen to see two big guys in white coats at the rest home, do not be alarmed. They are simply there to swab Wonder and Fred for the paternity test.
I also plan of filing papers against the father for support and mental & physical distress on behalf of joey. He's been sitting in the corner drooling ever since the blessed event.
Do you people have any idea how much it costs to put a cat in a mental facility?
JEB, I expect full cooporation on your part. Please make sure that Fred and Wonder are both available at the appointed hour. I don't care what you have to do to secure them, I will not be deterred.
Do you blame me? The heartless bitch has had it out for me ever since you got drunk and hurled in her knitting bag. That was fucking low rent leaving that ticket I got for driving that piece of shit you call a pickup into the Mayor's pool.
I was lucky I didn't go to jail, thanks to Fred for getting caught screwing the Mayor's prize cocker spaniel while they were questioning me. THey didn't believe my story of that mangehound humping the steering wheel as we were driving up the Mayor's street until they saw that.
Shit, I'm afraid to light a smoke until I get the rest of this kerosene off.