and as usuall I am involved in a speculation about why I do the things I do.
am I self absorbed? Sure
It went well I suppose, he is under the impression that it's because we dont spend enough time together, which was true. But really, I think it's because I believe that he will become detrimental to my cause (ie, that he will be a stick in the mud and drag me down).
Does this make me a cold harted bitch?
the thing is that I am under the dilusion that I have a purpose in life, and If I wanna achieve that purpose I have to work very hard and remain focused (which I feel I have not been), and if anyone, ANYONE, gets in my way I tend to drop them.
so I am stuck between the "I want to please everyone & know a ton of great folks" to "Fuck ya'll I got to focus on me". and there's alotta Feminist shit I can get into but who the hell cares about that.
So I guess Love isnt all you need when it comes to relationships. I care alot about him and I'll still do anything for him (and he said so much about me) but I dont feel bad about breaking up with him. I feel bad about hurting him but that's not the same thing. I feel bad about what I've lost in doing so, but that's not the same thing either.
So it's back to long term celibacy fer me I guess. I dont do well in 'midnight collisons' I have to care about the person ur sumthin'.