Your whole "I dress like an office drone and act respectable and then sit on forum where we discuss urethra fucking and public torture" bit still creeps me out. I bet it would creep out your co-workers even more.
Poor Scotty was one of the only characters that never got any ass on that show. Kirk slept with anything, Bones had a love interest or two and I think even Spock had someone try and seduce him. But poor ol' Scotty was stuck in the engine room with a vat of engine grease.