Friday, April 15, 2011
Arizona's Presidential Penis Identification Act
Yesterday was a great day for patriots who are fighting to free our government from the the iron fist of African occupation. Sometime after 9:00 am, the Arizona Senate heroically passed the Arizona Presidential Candidate Penis Identification Act.
The Act offers a presidential candidate the opportunity to prove his or her citizenship by presenting quasi-official documents which describe his or her penis (Yes, it sounds to good to be true, but it is).
It's a great idea if you think about it. American penes are unique in regard to the pressure handling capabilities of their urethra's, the masculine design of their veins, and the shape and taste of their helmets.
Candidates aren't required to present penis identification documents if they have a long-form birth certificate, but many, being men and thus always eager to brag about their little soldiers, have already submitted theirs. I'm including a few excerpts below:
Haley Barbour: "My penis is snowy white and hooded."
Ron Paul: "The statists prevented my penis from exhibiting its true brilliance, so it crawled up into Paul's Gulch and is now denying society the benefit of its genius."
Newt Gingrich: "My penis loves adventure. It's always exploring new places"
Chris Christie: "It's an innie."
Mitt Romney: "Currently, it's like the Iron Rod of 1 Nephi 8:19-32, but it can also be anything you want it to be.
Rudy Giuliani: ""America's Alderman' is still severely chaffed from 9/11."
Michele Bachmann: "I don't recall having one. I bet someone stole it when they confiscated my light bulbs!"
Mike Huckabee: "My penis was a homosexualist. I tried to change it by teaching it to play baseball, but that hurt like the dickens. Eventually, I heeded the words of 2 Cor. 6:14 about being unequally yoked and gave it a good Leviticus 20:13 stoning.
Donald Trump: "It's fucking huge and lit in neon. And the hair--it's the finest you can buy anywhere."
I was disappointed that the actual legislation is not nearly as entertaining. I was all set to get into AZ politics. I could write a book for these suspicious bean counters. I'd call it "Hail to the Red, White, Blue, Caramel, and Magenta!" and it would have one of those textured covers like horror novels in the 80s used to have. Remember those? Mine would be veiny.