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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
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Ohhhh! THAT Georgie Dickle?? Who picked a peck of pickled peppers??

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Old Post 01-14-2018 06:39 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Yes. Poor boy therapy.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 01-14-2018 11:50 PM
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J E B Stuart
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A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I do appreciate your help.'

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-08-2018 05:23 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

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A young jockey and his girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in, the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you. Would you like the bridal?'

'No thanks says the jockey, I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

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Old Post 02-08-2018 05:14 PM
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J E B Stuart
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"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." ~ Britney Spears.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-09-2018 05:02 AM
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J E B Stuart
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HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet - the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours sincerely,

Fido

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-09-2018 06:48 PM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

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That's how we wash granny.

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Old Post 02-10-2018 03:29 PM
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J E B Stuart
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A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job?! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker replies, "See that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes.

"See the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." With that, they retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. Still amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Look out the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. So, he decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience and asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come here to the window and Ill show you something. See how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-10-2018 05:57 PM
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As the Sister lay dying ...

In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey as comfortable as possible. To that end, they also tried to give her warm milk to drink, but she declined.

One of the nuns took the glass of warm milk back to the kitchen. When she arrived, she spied a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas. So, she decided to open it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she returned to Mother Superior's bed, they gently lifted her head and once more held the glass to her lips. This time, the very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"

Raising herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, she looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW!

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-12-2018 06:09 PM
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, below the table and under the table cloth, while the man didn't move. No, he just sat there, staring straight ahead.

The waitress continued watching as the woman dissapeared from view under the tablecloth. Still, the man did not budge, staring straight ahead.

The waitress, knowing such behavior to be a bit risqu and wholly inappropriate for a public establishment, immediately became concerned that the under-the-table shenanigans would offend other diners. So, she walked to the table and, with all the tact and discretion she could muster, leaned over to the man and said, "Pardon me sir, but I believe your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up and replied, "No, she did not. She just walked in."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-12-2018 07:17 PM
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NEW MILITARY REGULATIONS

The Pentagon just ordered all military commanders to provide female personnel with separate and private "OFF LIMITS" quarters on all bases.

Addressing all personnel at Fort Hood, Texas, the Commanding General said, "Female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

The General continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. If there is a third time, the fine goes up to $500. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot stood up in the crowd and inquired: Sir, how much for a season pass?

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-23-2018 07:49 PM
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Tyrone "X-Marks-the-Spot" Lee

"... Tyrone Lee, 36, burst into Forest Acres Liquor Store Thursday night and held Tina Ring, 53, and her daughter Ashley Lee, 30, at gunpoint as he forced them to hand over the money from the register.

But as he went to leave, the mother and daughter turned the tables on the robber, pulling out their handguns from under the counter and opening fire.
'They shot him multiple times and he kept coming,' Tulsa Police Sgt. Brandon Watkins told KFOR.

At one point, Lee wrestled the gun from Tina and pistol whipped her but her daughter Ashley kept shooting.
Lee, who sustained multiple gunshot wounds, eventually gave up and drove himself to a nearby hospital in critical condition....
" From here.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 03-04-2018 11:28 PM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
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So many crazy people in this world.

Good thing we never had any of them here.

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Old Post 03-04-2018 11:53 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Except for The Loretta, the skid mark of the beast.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 03-05-2018 01:24 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
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The Loretta never posted here, did she?

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Old Post 03-05-2018 01:46 AM
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J E B Stuart
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I seriously doubt it.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 03-06-2018 04:41 AM
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A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing', he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, 'What am I doing? Im too old for this! and pulled over on the shoulder to await the troopers arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his cruiser and walked up to the Corvette. Glancing at his watch, he said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason Ive never heard before, Ill let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 03-06-2018 04:48 AM
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My name is Mary. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his full name on the DDS diploma hanging on the wall. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be that same guy I had a secret crush on back then?

Upon seeing the new dentist, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After the old dentist examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

Why, yes, yes! I did! Im a Mustang!, he replied, with obvious pride.

Oh? When did you graduate?, I continued.

In 1975. Why do you ask?

You were in my class!, I exclaimed.

Slightly tilting his head, he looked at me closely.

Then, that old, ugly, balding, wrinkled, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked, What did you teach?

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 04-09-2018 03:27 AM
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J E B Stuart
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That voodoo that you do ...

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So, he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so forth, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except " said the old man, and then he stopped.

Except what?" asked the businessman.

Nothing, nothing," replied the old man.

C'mon, tell me! I NEEEEED something!" pleaded the businessman.

Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed and snarked, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

Unfazed, the old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." With a flourish, he pointed to a door and commanded, Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless once more.

The businessman said, "I'll TAKE it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 cash. So, mister business man happily took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and, that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." And, with that, he left for his trip content with the knowledge things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife got unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. So, she got it out, and said, Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick immediately shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering and trembling with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, one really massive orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road and she was pulled over.

The policeman asked for her license and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second and then said, "Yeah, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 04-12-2018 02:37 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
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That joke needs an intermission!

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Old Post 04-15-2018 04:00 PM
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J E B Stuart
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quote:
Originally posted by GoFuckYourselves!
That joke needs an intermission!
Okay, Herk. Howzabout some paraprosdokians?:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 04-17-2018 01:36 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

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Posts: 14289

There's a lot of wisdom in this. Good stuff. I'm going to memorize the whole thing.

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Old Post 04-17-2018 04:22 PM
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