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redguard
Commie Bastid

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Cnafilornia
Posts: 406
Post October 8



I wish, so very much, that I could remember what it feels like to be loved.

Another year, and only the palest ghosts of distant memory are left to call me into dream.

I've wanted, for so long, to convince myself that there might be even one place in this world that I belong. One heart that could want to hold me.

So many years have gone by, and I still have the heart of a little boy beating within my breast. All the youthful passions, all the yearning for the innocence of young, unsullied love. I crave it yet because it was ripped from my grasp before I ever had truly shared the grace of knowing it.

The nights can be long here. Flaxen haired ghosts that share my pillow and whisper my name in the absolute coldness of dark. Sometimes I wake to the sensation of breath upon my neck, or a single, icy finger tracing the contour of my spine. How much of it is dream and how much simple madness, I do not know.

I've lived a long, hard life, and sometimes I'm convinced that I've made all of the wrong choices. Still, I love so much of this world that has chosen to reject me and despoil all that I have ever held dear. I forgive this place it's transgressions against me.

If only I could forgive myself.

Had I a soul, I would gladly sell it for a chance at redemption. To find one person strong enough (who cares enough) to hear it all and share the burden of it. For, you cannot truly love someone unless you truly know them. Is this not the truth? If I could find her, I would hand her the sword and let her lance it to the bone, the cold black mass of it spilling out onto the earth before us.

Eight years long, Ms. Maria Gradic, and you are still a child in my heart. Happy birthday, Angel.

redguard@blackvault.com

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Old Post 10-08-2000 08:33 AM
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SirRitualMasturbator
Fluffy Bunny

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: NC/USA
Posts: 558
Post

Man...

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Old Post 10-08-2000 09:24 AM
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Hedonism
Cuddly Puppy

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Nanaimo, BC
Posts: 1122
Post

Redguard, your writing is always moving.
I know what it's like to feel unloved as well.

------------------
He had a lot to say. He had a lot of nothing to say.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 09:34 AM
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SirRitualMasturbator
Fluffy Bunny

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: NC/USA
Posts: 558
Post

Redguard is one of the few BB posters who's posts are over 2 paragraphs and I will still read.

It really doesn't matter if it is a completely alien topic to me (political science) or something I have been able to relate to before (like this thread)

Red has a way of sculpting words into a beautiful end result much more impressive than the sum of it's parts.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 09:43 AM
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Shadow23
in dust we trust

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Denver
Posts: 1277
Post

Redguard, once again, you've summed up my own thoughts far better than I can myself. Thank you. I thought I had it, then I watched it slip between my fingers. So here I am, alone again. C'est la vie, I suppose. Perhaps, one day, I shall be graced with another true love. In the meantime, my existence searches for purpose.

------------------
3030303

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Old Post 10-08-2000 09:50 AM
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Hedonism
Cuddly Puppy

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Nanaimo, BC
Posts: 1122
Post

Agreed. I think it's as much his attitude and wisdom, as the way he sculpts his words.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 09:51 AM
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SirRitualMasturbator
Fluffy Bunny

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: NC/USA
Posts: 558
Post

Agreed

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Old Post 10-08-2000 09:54 AM
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iglo
27

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: sydney
Posts: 2207
Post

i hope you can turn that situation from blues into rock.


this is no joke.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 10:46 AM
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Dead_Inside
Joey's Head Bitch

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: NH
Posts: 6093
Post

quote:
Originally posted by redguard:

Flaxen haired ghosts that share my pillow and whisper my name



Mine is named Kim. I dont like being broken.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 01:15 PM
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absolut
one sock

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2570
Post

Namaste JJ.
Get the ICQ going.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 04:20 PM
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Dead_Inside
Joey's Head Bitch

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: NH
Posts: 6093
Post

absolut, you realize you get me all excited.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 04:29 PM
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JoeyCat
Felis Dominatus

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5736
Post

quote:
Originally posted by Dead_Inside:
Mine is named Kim. I dont like being broken.


I don't like you being broken either. Fix yourself, I know you could if you really wanted to.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 04:32 PM
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Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9208
Post

Maybe it's wrong of me to hate all women for my loss, for what I no longer have.

It just feels so right though.

Hags, one and all.

(Except you Joey, and Sphinx. That would be like insulting my mother)

------------------
Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 04:37 PM
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Dead_Inside
Joey's Head Bitch

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: NH
Posts: 6093
Post

I want goat's attitude.

And Joey, if I could, I would.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 04:50 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

redguard.

I had a psychic reading once. I was told my heart was shattered. And that the pieces floated about me, little broken shards.

I think maybe I've claimed the pieces back for myself, gathered them in some manner, and stuffed them haphazardly back where they belong. But it sure doesn't seem like there will ever be a way I can trust that I'll hold someone's love there.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I can just let go of that fear and trust that love is there, somewhere. Maybe I can let go of the illusion that love has to be special, all or nothing. Maybe I already have.

Maybe it doesn't matter, really.

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Old Post 10-08-2000 11:32 PM
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wonderaz
Sarky Bastard

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sedona, Arizona... No no Cornville!!
Posts: 21754
Post

If you would care for words from one who has traveled for far longer than you...

I smile to read of your loss.
That was not meant to be cruel for the mere fact that you have loved at all is a testament to your being. You have been shaped and refined by that love.
And yet you are burdened by it. It is a worthy weight to carry as odd as that seems.
There is a hole in your soul now and it will serve you well. For it is a vessel, just as a potter takes a ball of clay and presses a hole to make a pot, you have been caressed and polished and shaped into a vessel for a purpose that is no more clear to you than the artist's vision of the final destination of his work.
I have been where you are. I feel your bleek vision and see over your shoulder at that blurry joy that has faded to a dull ache yet never leaves.
Your hole will fill, of that I have no doubt. You cannot waste your time seeking it and must understand that your time is not running out. You have a long time and will have a long time to love.
I do not believe that you have a soul mate. I believe you make them. You needn't fear that you have lost that soul mate or that you have missed meeting her, you haven't.
She is yet to be, that's all.
And when she comes, she will fill that hole, that polished cradle that you have for her. Your lost love has made you into the perfect vessel as you now know what it means to love.
And she will be the perfect vessel for you, as she will have been down the same path and will know what it means to love.
I know this as I am where you will be.
I hope you believe me.

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Old Post 10-09-2000 01:06 AM
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memdink
spasm of violence

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: denv3r
Posts: 5294
Post

will you be my dad?

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Old Post 10-09-2000 01:17 AM
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shotgun.messiah
Fluffy Bunny

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: industrialand
Posts: 658
Thumbs up

quote:
Originally posted by Hedonism:
He had a lot to say. He had a lot of nothing to say.



isn't it 'He had a whole lot of nothing to say."?

anyways, that song kicks ass.

ok, that's all I wanted to say..
thankyoudrivethrough


------------------
sorry I never checked the bag in my head for a bomb in my halo with a needle hole

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Old Post 10-09-2000 01:33 AM
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Danielle
Runs with scissors

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: B.F.E, Illinois
Posts: 983
Post

redguard,

I wish I could hug you, a really big long hug, and then maybe you'd feel a bit of happiness in this shitty world.

------------------
Kick ass, whitey!

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Old Post 10-09-2000 02:10 AM
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Feral Automaton
control your staffs

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 3053
Post

Be still…

Be still.

So much. Too much…

Overbear…

Feted, sour and broken thoughts plow through my disarmed neutrality, interrupting inspired artistic pause with forced belligerence and rancor.

…unwelcome…

“Guests paw through a series of papers. Poems dated from sometime in the early eighties. They pick them up, and guffaw at my nostalgic pentameter…

…It always makes me cry.” – Nobody.

…loss.

I buried myself. I am buried to the chin. I chose to bury myself all of the way up to my chin.

In dirt?

In my own shit. It took me months to “make” this much, but here I am stranded and alone. Near suffocation…

I buried myself.

I am hardly breathing at all because my chest is being forced into its own rigid cast as the shit, my shit, solidifies.

I am buried to the chin.

If someone had plunged me into this human fecal mound than perhaps I would have a legitimate reason to complain… If only my compost heap tomb had been programmed by someone else’s diabolical intent… I would have room to complain.

However, I chose to bury myself all of the way up to my chin.

And this is not the first time.

And it is unlikely to be the last, because regardless of how I move to change, the world is still a very dull and unoriginal place.

Masochistic recreation collapses my boredom, despite the unhealthy effects.

**************

Mr. Wonderaz, in lieu of others, thank you for your words. Although I disagree with some of the implied meaning, they were beautiful and well placed.

Mr. Redguard, I respect you a great deal and this electronic union does our mutual understanding little justice. I have little advice to give, save the above poetic verbal obfuscation…

…and my selfish appreciation. Your writing is a gift.

I do hope that my banter is reciprocate enough.

Wilson.

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Old Post 10-09-2000 08:05 AM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32327

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. She noticed I kept staring at a drunken gal swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed. “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago. In fact, I am told she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!”, says my wife. “Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 06-05-2018 05:08 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16526

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"

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Old Post 06-09-2018 02:41 AM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32327

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, raises up in the bed and yells at the man, "Holy shit! That must be my husband!"

So, the man immediately springs out of the bed. Scared and naked, he sprints to the window and jumps. He smashes himself on the ground below and runs through a bramble bush to his car as fast as he could go.

Minutes later, he returns, scratched and bleeding, caked and streaked in grass and dirt. He stomps up the stairs to the bedroom and throws the door open. Glaring at the woman, he screams, "Goddammit! I AM your husband!"

The woman yells right back, "Yeah, then why did you RUN?"

And that's when the fight started.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 06-09-2018 06:35 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16526

Husband and wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?"

He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".

She says: "What are you thinking now?"

"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"

That's when the fight broke out.

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Old Post 06-09-2018 02:11 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32327

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Amen.

__________________
" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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