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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 13366

Ohhhh! THAT Georgie Dickle?? Who picked a peck of pickled peppers??

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Old Post 01-14-2018 06:39 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 28906

Yes. Poor boy therapy.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 01-14-2018 11:50 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 28906

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I do appreciate your help.'

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-08-2018 05:23 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 13366

A young jockey and his girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in, the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you. Would you like the bridal?'

'No thanks says the jockey, I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

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Old Post 02-08-2018 05:14 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 28906

"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." ~ Britney Spears.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-09-2018 05:02 AM
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J E B Stuart
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HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet - the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours sincerely,

Fido

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-09-2018 06:48 PM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 13366

That's how we wash granny.

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Old Post 02-10-2018 03:29 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
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A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job?! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker replies, "See that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes.

"See the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." With that, they retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. Still amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Look out the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. So, he decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience and asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come here to the window and Ill show you something. See how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-10-2018 05:57 PM
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J E B Stuart
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As the Sister lay dying ...

In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey as comfortable as possible. To that end, they also tried to give her warm milk to drink, but she declined.

One of the nuns took the glass of warm milk back to the kitchen. When she arrived, she spied a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas. So, she decided to open it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she returned to Mother Superior's bed, they gently lifted her head and once more held the glass to her lips. This time, the very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"

Raising herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, she looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW!

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-12-2018 06:09 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 28906

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, below the table and under the table cloth, while the man didn't move. No, he just sat there, staring straight ahead.

The waitress continued watching as the woman dissapeared from view under the tablecloth. Still, the man did not budge, staring straight ahead.

The waitress, knowing such behavior to be a bit risqu and wholly inappropriate for a public establishment, immediately became concerned that the under-the-table shenanigans would offend other diners. So, she walked to the table and, with all the tact and discretion she could muster, leaned over to the man and said, "Pardon me sir, but I believe your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up and replied, "No, she did not. She just walked in."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-12-2018 07:17 PM
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