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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
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Durwood Leon James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army fifty-one years ago. So, he reported for duty.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued Durwood a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Durwood a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued Durwood a jock strap. The Army has been looking for him for 51 years.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-06-2019 08:47 PM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
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A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

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Old Post 02-09-2019 11:57 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 33283

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-14-2019 11:10 PM
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J E B Stuart
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I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. Ill let you know.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-16-2019 05:13 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
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A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Rogets Thesaurus crashed on the Interstate yesterday, scattering its load across the highway, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless and perplexed.

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Old Post 02-16-2019 06:33 AM
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J E B Stuart
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If a telemarketer calls, give the phone to your 3-year old and tell her its Santa.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-18-2019 07:28 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

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You happen to be talkin to a three year old.

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Old Post 02-18-2019 04:47 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Dog years?

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-19-2019 01:41 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

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Bullshit years.

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Old Post 02-19-2019 02:18 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Bullpoop years, you say? Well. That being the case, you and I both are older than Methuselah.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-19-2019 03:27 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

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My childhood friend was Lucy!

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Old Post 02-19-2019 03:58 PM
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J E B Stuart
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When she turned 65, my grandma began walking five miles a day. Shes 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 02-21-2019 03:35 PM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
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Posts: 17363

My grandfather, who's also 92, went in for his annual checkup and the doctor asked him for a urine and stool specimen. He gave him his underpants.

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