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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16731

Be a real man. Rip off the toilet seat altogether!

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Old Post 10-02-2018 07:48 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32520

Hell no. That would be a copout.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 10-03-2018 04:13 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16731

My hand to god this is true: I wrote my post above yesterday. And last night I dreamt that I went into the bathroom and I had no toilet seat. I write this bullshit and then I dream it!

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Old Post 10-04-2018 02:29 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32520

Arguing with a woman is like reading a Software License Agreement - In the end, you ignore everything and click “I Agree”.

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 10-05-2018 08:40 PM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16731

For a successful marriage, the man only needs 3 sentences: You're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry.

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Old Post 10-10-2018 05:01 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32520

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said, “fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everyone in class laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth, and I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA and they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then, he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I said, “Because you can make them into fried chicken.” She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me what famous military person I admired the most. I told her “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now...

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 11-30-2018 05:44 PM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16731

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
_
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come 0once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Old Post 12-01-2018 10:18 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32520
Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have:

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool like an anvil and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him right out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she obviously now quite mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry to tel you, but he's dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 12-03-2018 02:31 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16731

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
_
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

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Old Post 12-03-2018 02:42 AM
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J E B Stuart
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Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32520

An itinerant preacher who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who had decided to reoccupy the home. Unfortunately, he encountered much difficulty finding a new house. Whenever he disclosed he had 12 children, no one would rent a to him for fear the large herd of children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because that would breaking one of the Ten Commandments. And we all know preachers cannot tell a lie.

The good pastor sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids and took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. So, the agent asked:

"How many children do you have?

He replied, "Twelve."

“Really?”, said the agent. "Where are the others?"

The preacher, with his best pitifully sad face, haltingly answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 12-08-2018 02:59 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16731

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

"Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

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Old Post 12-08-2018 04:27 PM
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J E B Stuart
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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32520

A trucker who had been on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

Amen.

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" Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background of countless minor scenes and interiors, (not the official surface courteousness of the Generals, not the few great battles) of the Secession war; and it is best they should not�the real war will never get in the books." ~ Walt Whitman

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Old Post 12-09-2018 03:35 AM
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GoFuckYourselves!
#1 Asylum Dumbfuck!

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 16731

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.

The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy_ gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."

So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"

The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

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Old Post 12-09-2018 06:14 PM
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