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Feral Automaton
control your staffs

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 3053
Post Testimonial…

“I wore black because I liked it. I still do, and wearing it still means something to me. It’s still my symbol of rebellion – against a stagnant status quo, against our hypocritical houses of god, against people whose minds are closed to others ideas.” – Johnny Cash.

January 6th, 2001.

My third visit to a dead friends memorial.

I remember his resignation. He had committed to his suicide years prior. The monster that he became was a conscious spawn of his own sick and fucked imagination. If he would be outcast for his physical appearance, than his internal, controllable self would be manifested as the immoral incarnate.

I learned a great deal from Charles, and I wish he could see myself, the progenitor of his sickness, the legacy to his mutant social form.

Charles is not forgotten, and his inspiration shall bleed into me once more.

Inspiration bled from the hole in his fat head.



For those of you that have lost someone or something important, offer up your explanations of what it did to you. How did the loss of someone or something shift your character?

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Old Post 01-06-2001 09:41 PM
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Princess_Chelle
no thank you

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6985
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my biggest loss i have had and this is kinda personal, i dont know why im even offering this up. but better for ferals post than anyone elses i suppose.
anyway..my biggest loss was when i was 16. i was physically beaten and raped for about 16 hours straight. that changed me forever. i wonder so often who i would be if that hadnt happened to me.

------------------------
"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Old Post 01-06-2001 09:44 PM
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Feral Automaton
control your staffs

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 3053
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Princess_Chelle,

I can typically respond to near anything. However, I am having a difficult time verbally conveying myself through the honest emotional rage and anger that I have towards any and all actions brought about by physical, irresponsible alpha male impulse. Fuck anyone willing to take the control and freedom of another person away in order to satiate some mundane, transient sexual urge.

It is a meager gift, although I offer my sincere apology. Paradoxically, as your honesty has inspired my sadness, I also offer my sincere gratitude for your willingness to share your tragedy with us. As I’m sure that you are aware, it is best to share tragedy and mishap, rather than just regret and fear it.

I’m sorry Chelle.

-Wilson.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:03 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
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I was sitting wanting to say something here and failing to come up with words.

...

Losses. A friend of mine who chose to die. Others who did so as well. It seems trivial to even mention, but the death of a pet.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:11 PM
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Princess_Chelle
no thank you

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6985
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quote:
Originally posted by Feral Automaton:
Princess_Chelle,

I can typically respond to near anything. However, I am having a difficult time verbally conveying myself through the honest emotional rage and anger that I have towards any and all actions brought about by physical, irresponsible alpha male impulse. Fuck anyone willing to take the control and freedom of another person away in order to satiate some mundane, transient sexual urge.

It is a meager gift, although I offer my sincere apology. Paradoxically, as your honesty has inspired my sadness, I also offer my sincere gratitude for your willingness to share your tragedy with us. As I’m sure that you are aware, it is best to share tragedy and mishap, rather than just regret and fear it.

I’m sorry Chelle.

-Wilson.



i usually dont know how to talk about it, but when i read your post, i knew exactly what i needed to say. thank you for your kind words. my days still have challenges i never imagined i would have as a result of this, and my nights still bring bad dreams. it is a horrible thing, but im happy to be alive.



------------------------
"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:13 PM
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Feral Automaton
control your staffs

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 3053
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Often, the most painful thing with loss is the disruption of our comfort and our routine. To be cast into limbo, being conscious of feelings or of actions that you have no control over can often be shocking. To loose a pet, someone, an animal with whom we have shared a great deal of intimate time with, can be just as shocking as loosing a parent or a friend or, in Chelle’s case, physical control.

Missphinx, loss cannot exist if we do not lend something our own subjective seriousness. Within your own perspective, the loss of an animal can mean as much as you want it to. I’m sorry for your loss, as equally as I am sorry for anyone else’s.

I didn’t create this thread in order for us all to compare scars and to compete with one another; rather, I just want us all to share evenly with one another the pains we have endured.

Participation is not mandatory for anyone, although I’m sure that you all knew that.

It is appreciated though.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:27 PM
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Princess_Chelle
no thank you

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6985
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i agree feral.
i also think that many things we are allowed to suffer make us into the people we are today, and although i mourn who i could have been, i am also thankful for who i have become.


------------------------
"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:31 PM
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Feral Automaton
control your staffs

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 3053
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Absolutely Princess_Chelle,

“What doesn’t kill us can only make us stronger.” – Nietzsche (something like that anyway).

Tragedy is typical in everyone’s life. It is likely, while wandering about this social maelstrom that we will suffer something awful or something painful. Now, it is easy to dwell and to dream about life before our emotional shit, however, the shit is there, inside of us regardless of what we do. It has become an essential portion of your personality, as it is a very real moment of your own past.

To act as if it never happened is foolish, and to act as if it is the only thing that has ever happened is boring.

Rather, to experience a great deal of your own life it is good to be aware of the shit, but to recognize that there will always be more shit wonder lies smiles mistrust hugs fights orgasms etc. to experience.

Nutshell: fuck regrets. I haven't got the time.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:42 PM
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Thimbles worth of opinion
Symetrically challenged

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 12474
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I was beaten for about an hour and a bit and out of that experience I learned martial arts.
Then while I was doing an improv excercise I nearly broke someones arm because he grabbed my shirt in a threatening manner.
I wish sometimes I was not familiar with violence but it has shaped me in the manner of self control and disipline.
The dragons we should fear most are the ones reflecting in the mirror.
At any rate, my bad dreams of victimization stopped when I gained the power to injure back and worse. Now occasionally I'll receive a bad dream of someone attacking me and suffering cracking limbs because of it, but most of the time I have peace. I only fear my self (and my wife who wants me off the computer), which, in the case of myself, I have the most control over.
I don't know if that offers any help to you Chelle but I know it helped me.


------------------------
No turkish prison can hold me. But you may for a price.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:51 PM
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HELL
euphorbia's bad side

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 3539
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"essential portion of your personality"

I agree. I also think we should use them to give us reasons to advocate an ideal. If we just wear it all our lives like a badge or feather in our hat, it is worthless.

In the loss of a loved one I feel their life should be celebrated, and an effort made to incorporate some of that person in to you.
It truly is healing.

In the pain we suffer at the hands of another, I think its important to boisterously sound out against that type of behavior and certainly not become part of the abuse cycle so many weak spirited people do.

We all however will deal with our life as we see fit.




[This message has been edited by HELL (edited 01-06-2001).]

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:55 PM
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missphinx
Edgy the Budgie

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526
Post

Thank you. I add more words unable to be written.

"fuck regrets. I haven't got the time"

You reminded me.
My greatest losses have been results of my actions. In particular, I lost years and marred time because I drank. When I stopped drinking, I had to learn to lose regrets about what could have been instead.

Ahead is adventure and what we become.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 10:57 PM
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HELL
euphorbia's bad side

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 3539
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I would like to add, if you got your ass beaten as a kid, when you grow up go find that person and kick their dick in the dirt.
Worth 20 therapy sessions.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 11:11 PM
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Princess_Chelle
no thank you

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6985
Post

i know this sounds very victim like, but i dont know that i could even look at the guy who did that stuff to me. the thought of it makes me sick...physically sick.

------------------------
"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Old Post 01-06-2001 11:33 PM
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J E B Stuart
Administrator

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 32565
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Yeah, Chelle. I can't express myself with the unique and special genius of Feral, but I can feel what he's said all the same.

Like Tom Hanks said in Cast Away--"You gotta keep breathin'". Amen.

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Old Post 01-06-2001 11:33 PM
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Princess_Chelle
no thank you

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6985
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yes JEB, breathing helps.
hehe

------------------------
"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Old Post 01-06-2001 11:36 PM
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aminal
incomplete

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7583
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I have been fortunate enough to have never experienced a great loss, or violation. I am lucky in that respect. I am still young however, but hope to die having never experienced anything so terrible chelle.

Feral, i leave you with a quote, not 100% relevant but awesome just the same.

"Take what they have left
and what they have taught you
with thier dying
and keep it with your own
And in that time
when men decide and feel safe
to call war insane
take one momenth to embrace
those gentle heroes
you left behind" -

Major Micheal Davis O'donnel
1st Jan 1970
Dak To, Vietnam

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Old Post 01-07-2001 12:10 AM
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Princess_Chelle
no thank you

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6985
Post

i love that quote marc!
its beautiful.

------------------------
"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Old Post 01-07-2001 12:50 AM
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devil's_milk
Adorable Pussycat

Registered: Dec 2000
Location:
Posts: 28
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quote:
Originally posted by Princess_Chelle:
i know this sounds very victim like, but i dont know that i could even look at the guy who did that stuff to me. the thought of it makes me sick...physically sick.



For a while I could not eat at the table with a man nor be in the same room as one with out getting sick or shaking. I was an extreme introvert. I hated feeling mortal and would do my best to avoid any situation that made me feel that way. I hated gifts, visiting people’s homes, using the restroom and sometimes breathing was too human. Looking in the mirror made me retch. Humor saved me. Making jokes about life and myself was a shield. It made people like to be around me, and made it easier to be inside my self.
“The mother of invention” and all that.
Some people can control reactions to certain things when blinding emotion is involved. Not too many of us can.
I'm just guessing, but it appears you have been able to function as a normal human being in society using whatever remedy you have chosen for yourself.
Like someone said earlier, as long as you don’t become part of a cycle do what you need to do.
Live a good life and enjoy it.

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Old Post 01-07-2001 01:22 AM
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